Reboot Fic: Four Square 5/7 (Draws X)
May. 13th, 2010 12:08 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
syredronningCodes: Pike/Dael/Kirk/McCoy, various OCs and other pairings in passing
Rating: NC-17; warnings: kinky, queer, mixed poly relationship with large age difference
Word count: this part 9.000, complete 60.000 words
Direct links to part 1 - part 2 - part 3 - part 4 - part 6 - part 7
*
On the next morning, the Enterprise men's mood is more than sober.
"I really don't feel like leaving," Kirk says, curled around Pike in the middle of the bed.
"Then maybe you should start reading your messages," Pike says amused.
"Huh?" Kirk sits up, then scrambles out of bed to hurry to the office.
"What did you do?" McCoy asks sleepily, but Pike only keeps smirking.
Minutes later, Kirk returns. "We've got another four days on Earth!" he almost shouts. "What the hell —?" He stares at Pike, wiggling his forefinger at him. "That was your doing!"
"Well — yes." Pike doesn't hide his smile.
Kirk jumps back into bed. "We tried so hard to extend the stay but Barnett's deputy Rolloy kept blocking it – how did you manage that?"
"I told Nogura that the best officers in town need a few more days of good sex."
McCoy rolls his eyes. "I hope you didn't say it quite like this."
Pike shrugs. "After Dael, Nogura has stopped being surprised about anything I might bring up."
"I bet."
Dael curls around Pike with a sigh. "So can we all sleep a little longer now?" she asks with a yawn.
"She's got a point," McCoy says agreeing, and tries to pull Kirk back into position between them, but Kirk refuses.
"I'm all awake. Better start setting the breakfast table."
"I'm with you," Pike says, and they move to the kitchen, grinning as the instant, slight snoring of their better halves follows them.
*
The first day of the extended vacation is slow; somehow, they'd burned off most of their sexual energy in the wrap-up of the last day, and now they are too emotionally exhausted and just plain outfucked to engage in anything big. After a short discussion, they end on the beach with a ball. Pike soon needs to bow out and sits down on a bench, enjoying the sight of his playful gang. He's joined by McCoy ten minutes later, with some grumbling about the damn kids that kept beating him up. There's something cozy about how they sit side by side and watch the two younger members of the cloverleaf play a very intense, high-speed game of beach volleyball.
"I thought about changing my personal status," Pike says out of the blue. "Adding all of you as my partners. It's not like getting officially married or anything but…"
"…close enough," McCoy completes the sentence. "Would look a little strange when one-sided, so I guess it's all or none of us, right?"
"Yes. Thought about bringing up the theme later. Once dropped it with Jim, and he would go with it." Pike tilts his head as he notices McCoy's thoughtful glance. "Anything wrong with it?"
"Dael's in her second year. In three months, she's going to transfer for her first on-ship duty, right?"
"Yes."
"I doubt it would be a good idea if any potential captain or XO could tumble over the fact that she's with a plural us. Especially when all our names come up."
"I see your point. Although I don't like it." Pike sighs a little. "Tagging people as partners is the easiest way to ensure proper proceedings and information channels if anything goes wrong."
"Well, considering that I've got pretty much a wire to your brain via Anumanchi, I don't think we'd need that additional fallback layer," McCoy points out. "And if anything happens to Jim and me, you'd be among the first ones to know anyway. Given that Nogura knows about Dael, she'd also be in the loop even if she'd be on a training cruise. And there's Nat, right? She knows Dael."
"Yes, she does." Pike leans against the man at his side. "You're right, I won't bring up the subject. Dael shouldn't be judged by who she's associated with but on her own rights and achievements."
"I bet you'll find a good ship for her." McCoy's hand rubs over his back, easing some tension away.
"I'll try." There's a light smile around Pike's lips. "Not the Enterprise, though."
"No, that wouldn't be good," McCoy agrees. "She needs a ship on which she can prove to herself and everyone else that she's doing good work. With us… chances are the relationship would come out and that would put everything in a bad light."
Pike nods. "Guess a part of me just would've liked to make it official."
McCoy smiles. "I know that feeling." His hand brushes upwards, curling in Pike's neck. "Getting you all tagged as mine, yeah, that's something I would like too," he whispers, his smile broadening.
"All?" Pike asks, giving the doc a side-glance.
"All," McCoy confirms.
A rush of warmth runs through Pike. It just keeps being important that the doc accepts Dael, and every time McCoy makes that clear, Pike feels yet some more of the remaining, lasting weight being lifted from his chest. He takes a deep breath and briefly closes his eyes, blindly running one hand down the other man's leg. "Love you, Leonard."
"Love you too, Chris."
They keep sitting like this for a while, until the other two show up, all flushed and excited, and drag them to the next ice cream parlor.
*
Then suddenly the day is over and a new morning is breaking, leaving Pike wondering where the time had gone. They make up for the lazy evening by enjoying a round of sweet morning sex, then set up the table together, which makes for a rather crowded kitchen.
The second they're all comfortably settled, the door bell rings. Pike automatically stares at Dael, who stares right back.
"You're awaiting any guests?" Kirk asks confused.
"None that we know of," Pike replies and gets up again, glad that he's fully dressed. "I'll see to it."
The moment the main door opens, he thinks he's dreaming. It can't possibly be the man himself standing in front of it, all in uniform.
There's got to be apocalypse impeding.
"Heihachiro –"
"Good morning, Chris," Nogura says. "I tried to call you, but you obviously set your console to silence. I trust Jim Kirk is here too?"
"Yes, he is." Seeing no other way to handle the situation, Pike steps back and makes an inviting hand sign. Nogura nods and passes him.
"I need to talk to you both."
Trying to pull his coffeeless brain together, Pike decides that everyone of their group should be reasonably dressed and more or less presentable, if only in slacks. "Wait a second," he says anyway and walks to the kitchen, opening the half-closed door and sweeping his assessing gaze over his frowning lovers. "We've got a surprise visitor," he says then and nods towards Nogura. The dumbfounded looks on everyone's face would be amusing if Pike didn't feel rather weird himself. A whirl of Sir and Admiral Nogura resounds as all scramble to their feet.
"Good morning, ladies and gentlemen," Nogura says, a surprisingly old-fashioned phrase. "At ease, please. I wish I could've avoided disturbing your breakfast round like this, but I wanted to abduct you, Chris —" he nods towards Pike —"and you, Kirk, for a little outing today. I apologize for the short notice, but I promise it will be worth your time."
Frankly, Pike doesn't want to leave to places unknown with Nogura, but there's no way in hell to say no to a chief of chiefs who is standing in the middle of your kitchen. Besides, no matter how nicely the invitation is worded, it's still an order. Kirk has much the same opinion. "I need five minutes," he states.
"Make that ten," Nogura replies and takes a seat. "I gather that there's a cup of Chris' famous coffee available here?"
Pike frowns as Dael wordlessly takes care of that but before he can say anything, Kirk passes him and pulls him towards the bedroom. "Do you have any idea where we'll be going?" the captain mutters as they're behind the next closed door.
"I have no clue," Pike says and gets his uniform, while Kirk hurries into the shower.
They're ready in seven minutes and return to the kitchen together, where Nogura is obviously upholding a rather one-sided talk, with McCoy and Dael looking a bit like deer caught in headlights. Pike sympathizes.
"Ready to go?" Nogura asks superfluously, then gets up with a last nod and a few words to the seated party. There's little left for Pike aside from a short, "I'm really sorry for this. Spend the day as you like," before hurrying out, Kirk on his heels.
Seconds later they sit in Nogura's spacious ground car on their way to wherever, and Pike feels really, really bad about all this.
*
"Where are we heading?" Pike asks when they are on the road. Kirk silently sits at his right, legs one above the other, hands loosely laced together in his lap.
"To a place where there is more of this." Nogura points at a little metallic cube, something Pike had considered being mere decoration. He picks it up in curiosity, and in his fingers, it moves as if it has a life of its own. Long thin, needle-like extensions grow out of its core, and it's a little disconcerting.
"Break one off," Nogura says, and Pike does. The ripped part literally melts in his hand; the part left on the core instantly grows again, restored within seconds.
"Impressive. What kind of technology is that?"
"You've seen it before."
"The Borg cube?"
Nogura shakes his head a little. "Yes and no. On the Narada — it's Borg technology of the future."
Pike puts down the cube so harshly that the little table shakes under the impact, some more needles getting bent but twisting back into their original positions like a bug sorting its legs. When Kirk picks up the cube, it keeps moving in the captain's hands.
"The Narada had Borg technology?" Pike asks roughly, rubbing his hands on his pants as if he could get rid of the memory of holding it in his hand.
"Yes." Nogura waves at the cube. "There were a few splinters left in the orbit around Vulcan. A team of hand-picked engineers and scientists have been working on them for the last years. This is only a little toy for demonstration purposes. At the place we're heading to, you'll find many more interesting development results."
Pike curls his hands together, nails scratching palms. "Modified ships?"
"Let's say, ship extensions. Self-repairing units like shields, sentient weapons …" Nogura leans forward, gingerly lifting a cup of tea to his lips for a sip. "You've seen how powerful this technology is."
"Yes, I have," Pike says stiffly. He'd flown right into the fucking leftovers of the massacred fleet, an image he'd never forget.
"It might be the answer to the Borg problem."
"Fighting them with their own weapons?"
"The weapons of the future. They are not theirs yet."
Pike cranes his suddenly aching neck. "If they manage to assimilate this, we'll be as good as dead. They're a lot quicker in adapting to new technology than any other species."
"Then make sure they won't know what kills them," Nogura states.
Pike suddenly feels like a mass murderer, wondering how big the difference really was between Nero and him, both ready to eradicate billions for a greater good. Only, the Borg are a real threat to the Federation and any species that believes in personal freedom — though Pike's not sure anymore that that's enough of an excuse.
Next to him, Kirk still has that damnable cube in his hand, testing its abilities.
"It's impressive," Kirk says at last when he puts it down.
Terribly impressive, Pike thinks.
*
They land at the Federation president's space port, where other officers and Federation officials are waiting for them. There are even several of members of the Borg task force present, some of which Pike meets in person for the first time. They exchange a few sentences, knowing that they'd engage in deeper discussions over the course of the day.
A little at the side, Pike spots Esteban. After having greeted the higher-ranking members of the group, he approaches the captain.
"Joe, good to see you," Pike says as they shake hands. "They called you?" The Lexington has only been back on Earth for two weeks, so seeing the captain here could only mean that he'd be involved in the further proceedings.
"Yes, just four hours ago. I've been on vacation with my family, they had to beam me over. What is this about?"
"Well, considering that you are here, wager a guess." Pike waves Kirk close.
"Joe, this is Jim Kirk of the Enterprise — Jim, meet Joe Esteban from the Lexington." Pike introduces the two captains which to his best of knowledge had never met in person before.
"Nice meeting you, captain," Kirk says over the handshake. "I've heard only good things about your crew and your ship."
"Thank you. I've heard quite a few stories about the Enterprise too — although none from the Admiral," Esteban adds hastily as Kirk glances at Pike. "Just the usual things that go around."
The group assembles to move on to the larger shuttle, and the three men join them.
"May I ask why Captain Kirk is here?" Barnett's stand-in Rolloy says suddenly, and all eyes turn towards Kirk.
"Captain Kirk was the first person to be informed about the Borg, specifically from the original source of the material. It has therefore been decided that he should be more closely involved in the current developments," Nogura answers smoothly.
Pike can see a few critical gazes remaining, and he's got no doubt that in the eyes of some, the only reason Kirk is here would be that he's Pike's lover — or at least the husband of Pike's lover, considering that McCoy's overly healthy welcome is surely all over the admiralty by now.
Once the shuttle is up in the air, Nogura makes the introduction. Then Commander N'het takes over, explaining the technological background of the things they'd see in two hours.
With stiff fingers, Pike opens the neck of his collar, trying to keep calm in the face of high-resolution Narada shots that are used to explain some aspects of the technology that would be used to equip a new generation of Starfleet ships — shots where he could still see the debris lingering in the space around the deep-black arms of the ship, despite all attempts to edit the pictures.
Or maybe it's only in his imagination.
"You okay?" Kirk asks quietly at his side, and Pike shrugs with a frown.
Sure, totally okay.
*
Over the course of the next hours, Pike gives up on pretending that anything about this trip is okay for him.
First of all, the technology makes his stomach turn. He knows it's a knee-jerk reaction and he's fighting it with all his might, but he also knows that every time he opens his mouth during the discussions, he shows some of that personal aversion. Most people in the audience understand where he's coming from, which makes it only worse as it automatically devalues his opinion a little, something Pike absolutely isn't used to.
Second, it rankles that although Pike is the leader of the Borg task force, Nogura had not informed him about this technology in advance. Maybe the old man thinks it's funny when they land at the new Utopia Planitia terminal and he can present Pike's old friend Commander Caren Cho as the one leading the refit of the Pathfinder with the new technology, but Pike doesn't think it's funny at all.
"I'm sorry. Nogura made me swear by the beard of my father to keep silent about this," Cho tries to joke with him over one of the buffet breaks, but he's annoyed enough to let it show on his face. "I'm really sorry," she adds quietly, brushing over his hand. "I can understand that you feel deceived now —"
"It's okay," he states coolly. He doesn't ask how long after Nat's wedding Cho had been given the project, and it frankly doesn't matter — she's only been following orders. It's the man behind all this Pike is angry about, and so he walks away looking for a chance to corner Nogura.
"Did you just need a figurehead, Heirachiro?" Pike asks sharply when they have a quiet minute together. "Or why didn't you tell me about the Borg technology?"
The man looks at him with the usual non-committal expression. "You are much more than a figurehead, Chris. Your name carries weight, you've got a reputation, more than you seem to realize. I've closely followed your progress over the last months, your increasing interaction with the political circles within the Federation. You've made a lot of important contacts."
"But?" Pike asks when Nogura pauses.
"But you've also your own personal history, which doesn't make you exactly welcoming this technology."
Pike can't do anything but admit the truth of these words. "Yes."
Nogura nods. "We need this technology. It's our chance to make the Federation the number one force in the quadrant again."
"I hadn't noticed we've lost that position."
"Some think we already did — some only predict it for the future. In any case, we need to move forward, get proactive."
"And I've been the right tool for that," Pike states coldly.
"You always thought a preemptive strike against the Borg would be the best solution. You just never openly stated it."
"The Interstellar Convention of Space Warfare of 2244 —"
"Is just a convention that might get broken when it's deemed necessary." Nogura straightens, showing their discussion has come to an end. "Let's go back to the others."
Pike follows him with lips tightly pressed together, angry about his manipulating superior and just as much about himself and that he'd ever gone as far as thinking that a preemptive strike would be necessary. Breaking the convention would open the door for any planet within the Federation — and outside of it — to go back to their convenient warfare of the past, where it had been enough to see another planet as a potential threat to lash out. Playing dirty with the Borg would smear dirt on every action and every big-worded declaration of the Federation, discredit it for years to come, and Pike doubts that the level of broken china is currently worth it.
But his change of mind comes definitely too late by now. Nogura has taken the foundation Pike had laid with his own work and is now actively steering Starfleet towards a new step of military build-up, and most people attending today are in favor of that strategy — including Kirk, which rankles on yet another frustrating level.
Not once since the one meeting that had started off their relationship had Pike interacted in a professional context with Kirk, and the ever present but usually subdued feeling of competition within their relationship is sharp and painful.
While in general he might be proud of Kirk, the man's keen intelligence and remarkable knowledge of strategy and galactic history, finding himself in a discussion where he needs to explain his moving away from his former position and to defend an alternative take on the Borg is one of the hardest things of the last years. The captains are almost the lowest 'fleet ranks in the room, but they're also the ones who'd have to face the Borg threat face to face, and their words have weight within the round of higher-ranking chair pushers (something Pike had always fought for, and having it backfire at him now is another sore point). Esteban had always supported the idea of an early intervention with the Borg, and now clearly feels a little let down by Pike's change of opinion. Kirk keeps mostly in the background but Pike soon learns that once Kirk says something, his arguments are thought-through and terribly convincing, usually resulting in moving the discussion in another direction than Pike would've preferred.
It's late in the afternoon when Pike finds himself in the restroom all by himself, staring at his pale, old face in the mirror. He's deeply exhausted from the long day and all the intense discussions, and feels sick to boot. He wants to go home — or even better, he wants to throw the whole Borg business into Nogura's lap and retire. He's been outmaneuvered; his position will lose the discussion, Esteban will be given the Pathfinder for a strike against the Borg although they don't have enough data to back up that strategy yet, and Kirk has managed to show everyone in the admiralty that he's a force to be reckoned with, one of the future leaders of Starfleet.
While Pike is only moving downhill, in every regard — getting old, getting tired, getting out of the loop.
It would be better to just step down while it's still his own choice.
He's not happy at all when the door opens and Kirk, of all people, steps in. They'd barely exchanged a word in private all day; he could well have stayed out of Pike's view for the remaining hours.
"Chris! I hoped I'd find you here," Kirk says and draws close. "You don't look well. Is everything all right?"
Pike purses his lips. "Nothing is all right, Captain."
Kirk frowns at him in the mirror. "What's the matter?"
"Besides getting counted out by Nogura and you today? Nothing, probably." Pike turns his head away, unwilling to face Kirk's gaze.
"Fuck." Kirk laughs, and Pike feels a burning urge to push his fist into his lover's face. "You've got to be kidding. Half the time I sat in that round table I was speechless due to all the background information you brought up, all the data your task force has collected. You've picked fantastic specialists and it's obvious they all had a lot of freedom for working on the task, reaching their conclusions without you forcing any political demands on them, although you and Esteban had already developed an opinion about the Borg and how to deal with them.
"But that good work is now your problem — the facts are too much weighing into the direction of a preemptive strike. Your argument of the Federation violating one of their own major resolutions is valid, and before Nero, you'd probably have won the discussion. Back then, people just couldn't believe that anyone would be strong enough to endanger a founding world of the Federation. But after the loss of Vulcan, we're all much more aware of the risks. Nobody wants to see Earth endangered once again."
Kirk puts one hand on Pike's shoulder. "Your point about it being dangerous to engage such a technology-oriented species with brand-new technology of their own future is also valid. But you are a bit too critical of this new technology for reasons everyone understands, and that's not helping your point."
"I know." Pike takes a deep breath. "I've really crossed my zenith. I should step down, retire."
"Bullshit," Kirk says bluntly. "After today I understand why people think you're Nogura's crown prince. I've listened to the other admirals in the breaks; they aren't half as well-informed as you are about the current Federation politics. They all know that whenever Nogura needs someone to swap ideas back and forth, he goes to see you."
"That's crap," Pike states sharply. "And if it were true, he should definitely find someone better as his successor, considering that I'll die long before him."
Kirk opens his mouth and closes it again, then suddenly shakes his head. "Bones is going to kill me," he says. "Come on, let's get something to eat."
"Excuse me?" Pike snaps as Kirk takes his arm.
"After your blackout on our first morning, Bones gave me a little lecture about your health and what I should look out for. Irrational behavior caused by low blood sugar was on the top of his list; obviously you're a lot more at risk for that due to your medication." Kirk steers him out of the restroom and towards the buffet that's set up in a side room.
"I'm not irrational," Pike grits out under his breath when Kirk forces him to take a seat on a small table away from everyone else, but the captain wordlessly leaves to move to the buffet, grabbing a tray on the way. A part of Pike just wants to walk away but the moment he sits down his exhaustion catches up with him, so he puts his hands on the table and waits.
When Kirk comes back, he balances a well-filled tray with two large glasses of apple juice. "You've barely eaten anything." Kirk lifts his finger as Pike wants to dispute that. "Don't lie to me, I've been on the lookout once in a while and you've always been deeply in discussion with people during the breaks. So here, help yourself, it's all yours."
Pike stares at the two dishes piled with food. "No way I'm going to eat all of this."
"You eat as much as you can, and I take the rest." Kirk grabs a fork and picks up a piece of roasted meat. One of the other admirals looks as if he wants to join them, but the captain's deep frown chases the man away.
"And no discussions right now," Kirk states at Pike's irritated glare. "They all can wait until you're in a better shape."
With much annoyance, Pike addresses the food, but it takes only minutes until he realizes that Kirk's diagnosis had been rather to the point, as his mood instantly improves once the nutrients hit his blood stream.
"I haven't been able to send a message to Bones due to the protection of the building," Kirk says, "but Nogura was kind enough to send them a note that we'd probably be back by 2200."
"That late?" Pike can't help uttering a sigh as he leans back in the chair. "I give up." He waves at the leftovers, and Kirk doesn't need another invitation to heartily address the food.
In comfortable silence, he watches Kirk eating.
"You're okay?" Kirk asks when they're both done.
"I'm much better than before," Pike replies. "Thanks, Jim. I'm sorry for overreacting." Most of the sore points are still valid, and he'd need to find a way to deal with them — and Nogura — but his interpretation of the events had definitely been a little exaggerated due to his bad state.
When they return to the meeting room, Pike feels a lot more relaxed and rational and can take the final vote of the round in favor of the Pathfinder's mission in a stride. Getting the ship out of the docks would take at least four months, followed by another twelve months of extensive testing, which would give him and his task force ample time to keep working on the data. The general vote for a preemptive strike still leaves a lot of room for the actual orders Esteban would receive, and Pike would try to use his influence here. No china has been broken so far, the future is still open.
On the flight back, Nogura pulls Pike aside to congratulate him on the good work of the task force, and while Pike feels less than grateful for having Nogura maneuver him around like a chess piece, he doesn't let it show right now. He returns to the others to enjoy another hour of private conversation with his attending task force members, the general exhaustion and a glass of wine loosening everyone's tongue for a few even franker statements than they'd already delivered over the day. Despite Pike's change in position, which had not been well-received by some, they're all willing to remain on the team, now much more aware of how influential their results are on Federation politics. Seeing their opinion having an impact on important decisions is a new experience for many of the scientists, and it's generally granted to Pike's close connection to Nogura that the impact is quite that direct.
Only when the shuttle has landed on Earth, Pike gets back to Kirk's side and then uses his beam account to get them home in an instant.
*
When they walk through the door, Pike is so tired he feels like breaking down any second. The other parts of the cloverleaf are in the living room, Dael on the couch, the doc in an armchair, both looking up from the PADDs in their hands when they walk into the room.
"Hey there," Kirk says and flops right down into the next armchair.
"How'd it go?" McCoy asks with furrowed brows, but Kirk shakes his heads. "Top secret," he says, sitting up to remove the uniform shirt.
"I need a timeout for an hour," Pike says, and his fingers tremble as he starts unbuttoning his uniform. He turns on his heel and rushes to the bedroom. Almost tearing apart the uniform, he strips out of it all and falls right into bed, grappling for the juice bottle to get some much-needed water and sugar.
Dael follows him seconds later, just as he's hoped, and he invitingly pulls up the blanket when she joins him.
"Good to be home," he whispers as he buries his face in the crook of her neck. Just lying down with her is a major stress-release. "How's your day been?"
"Okay." She curls around him.
"I'm sorry we had to leave."
"Did you see interesting things?" she asks softly.
"Interesting… well. Powerful. Dark. Possibly more than we can handle." It's hard to speak, drop-dead tired as he is right now.
"Sleep for a while," she says and combs through his hair before kissing him. "We'll prepare a midnight snack."
"Hmmm, yes." Last thing he feels is her slipping out of bed before he drops into a dreamless, exhausted sleep.
*
Despite his intention to get up after a short nap, it's already morning when Pike wakes up again. Pressed to see the bathroom, he sleepily tumbles out of bed and walks into it, taking a moment to process the stunning image in front of him. Kirk and Dael are having sex in the shower and it's of the athletic quality, with Dael's back against the wall, her legs around Kirk's hips. The position gives Pike a great view of the younger man's muscular backside, pronounced by the way Kirk pounds into her.
Shit.
He sharply turns on his heel and walks out again.
"Chris, hey —" McCoy calls after him, but Pike rushes towards the neighboring room, using the bathroom there. Once on the toilet, he buries his face in his hands. He'd definitely not needed the view of Kirk taking Dael in a way Pike would love to do but couldn't right now due to his health shit, and it hurts more than he would've expected. It must be the aftereffects of yesterday. With effort he drags himself into the shower, trying to get rid of all the feelings of inadequacy that suddenly turn up again, sharp and edgy.
He's just done with toweling himself when his console goes off. He walks to the other room with a frown, the towel around his shoulders — he couldn't remember having removed the vacation setting, and true to his memory, the call turns out to be an emergency, right from Nogura's desk. In foreboding, Pike establishes the connection.
"Good morning, Chris," Nogura says, an unusual gravity already in his first words. "I've got bad news for you."
"The Borg?" Pike can't help asking, the meetings of yesterday still foremost on his mind.
"No. It's about Richard Barnett. He died last night."
"Barnett is dead?" Pike repeats blankly, unable to parse the news right away.
"Yes. I'm sorry. I know that you've visited him in hospital over the last months. He always enjoyed your visits…" Nogura clears his throat, something absolutely unusual for the old man. "I'll keep you informed about the funeral proceedings. They'll probably be within the next four days. It's been decided to keep Kirk and McCoy here until then, they'll be great representatives of the ships and their crews."
Pike nods, forcing out a brief, "I understand."
"And because I have to ask – you wouldn't want to take over Ship Operations, would you?"
"No. Definitely not." Pike doesn't even need a moment to make up his mind; aside of the fact that this would put him in the direct chain of command to his lovers, he's already working on the limit with just the task force. Most of his duties regarding Auditor General have already been given to his deputy Okonkwo who would take over the department in a few weeks, so taking over one of the largest and most important departments instead is absolutely out of the question for Pike.
Nogura nods gravely. "I thought so. But I had to ask. I'm sorry, Chris. Have a good day anyway." The connection closes.
Barnett is dead.
The truth settles slowly, painfully, a conglomeration of feelings; mourning for the man he'd known for so long; regret for the stupid misunderstandings they had been prone to engage in; irrational anger towards Spock for never having replied to Pike's plea for help; and deep-down just plain fear, the sudden feeling that he'd be the next to go. Not with a thunder, probably, but wasting away in bed just like Barnett, a thought that makes him almost panic. He might have promised McCoy he won't arrange for any plug pulling, but frankly that makes him only more determined that in a worst case scenario, he should speed up the process, because for as long as he'd be vegetating in bed, the people he love would feel tied to him, wouldn't be able to move on the way they should.
Well, this isn't the day yet, he thinks as he listens to the sounds from the kitchen, the voices of his lovers in the distance. It might come sooner than he'd like to, but he's been prepared for dying maybe too often in his life already to really fear the fact itself. It's just the idea of going slowly, a burden to everyone around him, that darkens his mood.
He looks up from the console when Dael walks half into the room, one hand on the door frame. She's naked, her body still glistening from a recent shower. She looks young and alive, breathtakingly hot and at the same time strangely intimidating, mirroring the reason for his problems back with every black line on her body. On his tongue, he feels the metallic taste of blood, unsure where it comes from, but only strengthening his dark mind set.
"Breakfast is prepared," she says, and he finds that he's not ready to join them at the table, watching her and Jim sitting close to each other, smiling and joking, two young, healthy people. Not right now.
"Start without me," Pike says. "I'll be there in a while."
Her tattoos curl in a frown. "Anything wrong?"
"Nothing with you, just something at the admiralty," he lies.
"Okay," Dael says and vanishes.
He should've known that the others wouldn't eat up his bullshit as easy as Dael, when two minutes later, Kirk is in the doorway.
"So are you finally ready to admit it's not all easy for you?"
Pike looks up from where he's rubbed his face in his hands. "What's your problem, Jim?" he says coolly, gearing up for the obvious confrontation. "Because from the first moment on, you've been criticizing me a lot more than ever before."
"My problem?" Kirk walks into the room, a clear challenge in his posture. "My problem is the way you handle your relationship with Dael. Which frankly should be your problem."
"We're fine." As long as you aren't around, some bitter, jealous part inside Pike adds. He wants to be cool but he isn't, fuck.
"Oh, sure," Kirk retorts. "That's why you don't really stand by her in public."
"Huh?" Pike startles. "We're out to the academy."
"A few selected people know — all others only guess, and talk."
"I took her to a family gathering."
"Because Nat phoned you, right? Not because you asked to bring Dael along." Kirk shakes his head. "You don't even give her space in the apartment where you live together. She's got beautiful art in her room, paintings made by her, and instead of hanging them up, you never even did as much as ask her about them."
"She never even indicated that she wants me to register the paintings," Pike states sharply. "Her family is a touchy subject and she has more than once told me that it's been good that I never asked for information, just showed that I'm ready for her if she needs to talk about them." He squares his shoulders. "I really don't know where you're coming from, Jim. I try everything to make her feel accepted and equal and —"
Kirk laughs roughly. "You're not equals, Chris."
Pike freezes. "You're speaking for Leonard now?"
"No. I'm just trying to explain something you obviously don't get, or aren't willing to see. You're not equals, and you won't be for many years, maybe never. She's twenty, all alone in the world, with barely a credit and no position to speak of. You're more than twice her age with an illustrious career and rich by most people's standards. You're not equals, and while I give you points for trying, I'm starting to get the feeling that this is the core of your problem."
"And what is my problem?"
"That you can't really accept being with her."
McCoy pokes his head in. "You done fighting? Need a referee?" He tries to sound funny but it falls flat for the concerned expression on his face.
"Come in," Kirk says. "And bring in Dael, because it's fucking time we get this sorted out."
Pike feels like in the center of a tribunal as the other two join them, McCoy with a deep frown on his face, Dael visibly reluctant, by now dressed in a shirt and shorts. He could take the easy way out, try to run, bring up Barnett, but none of that would solve what's obviously been smoldering underneath the layer of what he'd thought to be a functioning relationship with Dael.
"As I just tried to bring across to Chris —" Kirk says and waves at him — "Dael and him are not equals. We all agree on this, right?"
Pike gnashes his teeth. "Maybe regarding certain obvious points but I try to take care that within our relationship and every aspect I can influence, we are equal."
"In most regards, you're not equal," Kirk repeats. "And tell you something — it's not that important. Most people don't care about it half as much as you do. They don't care who you are with, who you fuck, what you do in your evenings. But on the other hand, you completely ignore those of her peers who do have a problem and give her shit about her relationship with you."
"How should I know about the latter, when Dael never told me?" Pike looks at her, feeling betrayed and at loss. Why does Jim know and he doesn't? "Why didn't you tell me, Dael?"
"Guess what — she didn't want to make things harder for you," Kirk states. "She's used to eating a lot of crap from the people she loves —"
"Stop it, Jim," Dael states. "Just stop it." Silence abruptly settles over them all. Pike feels like shit warmed over. Where's a convenient blackout when you need one?
"I want to be allowed to need Christopher," Dael says, so quietly he almost doesn't hear her. "That's all I ask for."
Pike swallows hard, once again taken by surprise from the direction the discussion is taking. "Dael —"
She looks at him. "I was determined not to envy Jim and Leonard for anything they might get from you that I don't, but I envy Leonard because you're there for him when he needs you. With me… you want me to be strong all the time — but I'm not." She tightens her lips, one erratic hand brushing over her face.
"I fear making you seem small," Pike says, chest tight. "Everyone thinks you're young and need protection and that I'm taking advantage of you."
"I know that you don't. They know." She looks at his lovers, than down to the floor. "You want me, but you don't know how to deal with that. You hate it when I spend the weekend with Caitleen but you never say it."
"I thought you wanted that freedom."
"I meet her because I didn't want to make you feel as if you're the only important person in my life. I wanted to give you room for meeting John and having a good time with him."
"I haven't slept with John since before we got together," Pike replies. "The only thing we've done lately is have a drink or two." And after Farnham's strange behavior in the club four days ago, even that may be over for good. Pike shakes his head, rubbing over his face with both hands for a moment to try and collect his thoughts. All of him is tense like an overdrawn bow, close to breaking, and he doesn't even really know why.
Pike hold his breath when Kirk asks, "Is Caitleen important to you, Dael?"
She instantly shakes her head. "Not like you. She's a woman, and it's different being with one, and I couldn't promise that I'd never want to be with another woman in my life, but right now I only want one person on Earth." She looks at Pike. "I don't even really want to work in the club right now. I've so much work at the academy, most Friday nights I just want to go to bed and sleep. But I didn't want to stop because the admiral thinks it's good for me."
"It is good for you," Pike says absent-minded.
Kirk shakes his head. "Chris, damn — do you want a partner, or do you want to keep mentoring a cadet? You don't get to have both, you know. And that goes for you too, Dael. He's got a name, so use it. He might be an admiral, but for you he should be your partner."
"He doesn't want to be that. Not really." She sounds resigned, tired.
"Dael — if I know anything about Chris, he wants you. He went through that shitty outing Nogura forced on him, he let you move in with half your stuff — if he doesn't want you, I don't get why he'd give himself that." McCoy says.
"He would've been happier with a secret affair," she replies, and when Kirk searches Pike's eyes, he averts the gaze because it's true. "He may love me, but that doesn't mean he wants me in his life. Our neighbors think I'm his daughter, and he didn't correct them. We never go out together, never meet other people aside of his family."
"Hell — say something, Chris," McCoy berates him as Pike stays silent, not knowing what to say when all she brings up is true, not counting the receptions at the Vulcan embassy to which she'd been explicitly invited. "Because I know that she's become the most important thing on Earth for you, so after coming that far, why do you seem to be unable to live with the consequences?"
"Oh yes. Why don't I just claim all her time, make her stop working in the club, tell her to stop seeing that woman because I want her all for myself. Why don't I get me a little stay-at-home wife who's at my beck and call like I'm some heterosexual asshole that thinks he's better than everyone —" Pike blurts out, and abruptly stops.
FUCK.
"I'll be right back." He scrambles to his feet and stomps onto the terrace where he heavily leans onto the balustrade.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
He sinks down on the ground, knees pulled against his chest with his arms lacing around them, bending his head so that his forehead rests on his knees. So much for tense bows.
When the door opens after a while, he doesn't have to look up to be sure it's Leonard. The man quietly sits down next to him.
"You know — if you hadn't run like that, we'd probably have considered it to be just some cliché shit," McCoy says softly.
Not yet ready to answer, Pike stays silent.
"It's not like I didn't wonder once in a while why you were so adamant about your sexual preference. It's rather rare today, with everyone being so cool and experimental. So this isn't really about anyone's gender, is it?"
"But it is. I am gay, doc, and yes, I'm adamant about it as it's a big point in my life." Pike sighs. "I grew up in an extremely conservative surrounding with very traditional gender roles. Enter adjectives like bigot, prejudiced and homophobic at your discretion, all of them would be correct. My father was an authoritative asshole, my mother… well. It took me years to free myself from many deep-seated, wrong beliefs, but as you know, it's close to impossible to get rid of all childhood conditioning."
McCoy can't completely hide his surprise, chewing on the statement for a moment. "I see. So you grew up with a very bad blue print of heterosexual relationships. That doesn't turn every straight man into an asshole."
"Too many, too often, doc. I always wanted equality in my relationships. That's the most important thing to me. Two equal partners. Two people with their own money, their own jobs. Nobody depending on anyone else. I was glad to find I prefer men, because I couldn't imagine such an equal relationship with a woman."
Pike fists his hands. "And now I've got a relationship that could be subsumed by the headline 'despite it all'. I still think I'm gay because that's my core, always has been, but I'm with a woman and not one of my own age either but with a damn young woman that's much more emotionally dependent on me than it's good for her. And I can't stand the thought of looking straight. That's the only thing people see when Dael and I are together, a man and a woman, and they might complain about our age or rank difference but we're just a straight couple for them like everyone. I don't want that. I hate that."
"Would you feel better if she turned into a guy?"
"Not if she did it for me. As far as I know it's not what she feels, so I'd never want her to change her sex."
"So if she stays a woman, would you rather end the relationship?"
Pike hangs his head. "No. Not if I can help it. Right now I can't imagine not being with her. But at the same time, I can't imagine really being with her either. What shall I do, write QUEER on my forehead to stop people from leaping onto the next best interpretation when they see us?"
"You can't stop people from thinking you're straight ," McCoy says. "The only thing you can influence is how much it matters to you what they think."
"I tried, doc, but I'm not good at ignoring people's opinion when it comes to my private life."
"Don't try — do it. Because if you don't manage to solve this dichotomy, you're going to lose her. You're good for her, in so many ways, but if you want this to be a healthy relationship, you've got to live with all the aspects. And she is a woman, and you look like a straight man with her — even worse, an old, lecherous, straight man who's seduced a young girl with his position and money."
Pike groans. "Holy damn, you're helpful. Are you always slapping your patients around like that?"
"Only the ones who need it," McCoy says mercilessly. He pulls Pike into a hug. "Chris — I know that you're not that kind of guy. Jim knows, Dael knows, and everyone who's ever talked to any of you for longer than ten minutes knows that this picture is dead wrong. For all I can see you don't take advantage of her, but from the outside, it easily looks like that and will for a long time. You can hate that or you can face the critics head on by having a great relationship with a great woman and broadcasting that to the world.
"Subconsciously, she knows you don't know how to deal with the woman in her, so she keeps staying the boy. It's not really hard on her, she's played that role for most of her adult life. But that's why she's still starving herself, Chris, and that's not good for her. She's got to gain some weight and get her period, but she fears you'd love her less for it."
"I'd never —" Pike snaps, but McCoy cuts him short.
"You've got a mega hang-up when it comes to women and being bisexual — yeah, get used to that word, because you are to a degree — and it's a very real danger that you'll have a hard time dealing with a woman at your side. I'm not talking about the sex, you seem to manage fine enough, and love is definitely not the problem here. But you don't want to be seen as straight and that means that you're subconsciously trying to keep her as a boy."
"Stop analyzing me," Pike states, but the sharpness dies on his tongue before the words are out.
McCoy smiles sadly. "I didn't even get really started, but I guess it's enough for one morning." He tightens his hold on Pike, not letting go. "I only want you to be happy, both of you. She's a great girl, she can use all the love she can get."
"Ah, fuck. I wish I knew what to do," Pike sighs, his brief anger wiped away by frustration and simple, plain fear that he might push Dael away.
"Get it clear what you want and how to deal with it when you get it. And find out what she wants." McCoy joins his sigh. "And I thought I was the only one with a relationship problem…"
"You've got no exclusivity for fucking up a partnership," Pike says. "I know you always think of your divorce, but it's not really a rare event."
"But I won't have that another time. Not because I got so much better in dealing with all that, but because of Jim and you not letting me just run away."
"True."
"And just as that, we won't let you ruin that thing you could have with Dael just because of some past shit in your life. Promise."
"That's a word." Pike laughs a little.
"Yep. So, if you need any advice with women, come to me for the emotional stuff and go to Jim for the sex tips."
Pike nods, releasing some of the tension in his shoulders.
"Should we go back in to them?" McCoy asks.
"I need a moment with Dael alone," Pike says. "Could you please send her out here? Only if she wants to, of course."
"Sure." McCoy nudges his shoulder. "You're a good man, Chris. A wonderful man. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise." He kisses him, then gets up from the floor and leaves.
Only a few minutes pass before Dael steps through the door, all of her body posture screaming her tension.
"Come to me, Dael," Pike says and holds out his hand. She gets down on the floor, crouching between his knees. He looks at her, takes in her pale face and wide eyes, the sharp tattoos. Damn, he wants her so much, and he'd almost fucked up.
"I've got to apologize to you. I'm so sorry for trying to force you out of my life because yeah, a big part of me doesn't like the idea that you really need me. I want you to be strong and grown-up and able to live without me, and in the progress I forgot that every relationship lives from the need and want of each other." She wants to say something but he doesn't let her interrupt him. "And I'm sorry that it took me so long to even realize what I hate about appearing as a straight man. I wanted to have you but I didn't want to look as if I am with a woman. Of course, that doesn't work at all. So I want to promise you something — I promise to acknowledge you, all of you, no matter how you're dressed and how you feel. I'll acknowledge you as my partner, wherever we are — here, at the academy, wherever. You are mine and the world better gets used to that fact because I've got no intention to change it."
He looks at her. "Anything to say?" he asks when she holds his gaze in growing silence.
"You mean I'm allowed to say something after your speech?" she says, but there's a smile lingering on the edge of her mouth.
"Yes."
"I want you, in every regard I can have you," she says. "I realize that I'm not what you were looking for and that I'm a daily challenge to the image you and everyone who knew you had of you. I promise that I'll support you in that fight. That I will speak my mind if you do something that makes me feel unwanted and unaccepted. That I'll care more for myself because some subjects are my own problem."
He takes a deep breath, letting out the air he hadn't even noticed he'd held in his lungs.
"I love you, Christopher," she says and leans forward for a kiss.
"I love you too, Dael." He cradles her in his arms, her head pressed against his shoulder. "So much. My girl." A shiver runs through her as she clutches him more tightly. "My girl." He soothingly strokes her hair, holding her close. He'd have a lot to think through but he knows he'll find a way to deal with it — for her.
*
Onto part 6
Rating: NC-17; warnings: kinky, queer, mixed poly relationship with large age difference
Word count: this part 9.000, complete 60.000 words
Direct links to part 1 - part 2 - part 3 - part 4 - part 6 - part 7
*
On the next morning, the Enterprise men's mood is more than sober.
"I really don't feel like leaving," Kirk says, curled around Pike in the middle of the bed.
"Then maybe you should start reading your messages," Pike says amused.
"Huh?" Kirk sits up, then scrambles out of bed to hurry to the office.
"What did you do?" McCoy asks sleepily, but Pike only keeps smirking.
Minutes later, Kirk returns. "We've got another four days on Earth!" he almost shouts. "What the hell —?" He stares at Pike, wiggling his forefinger at him. "That was your doing!"
"Well — yes." Pike doesn't hide his smile.
Kirk jumps back into bed. "We tried so hard to extend the stay but Barnett's deputy Rolloy kept blocking it – how did you manage that?"
"I told Nogura that the best officers in town need a few more days of good sex."
McCoy rolls his eyes. "I hope you didn't say it quite like this."
Pike shrugs. "After Dael, Nogura has stopped being surprised about anything I might bring up."
"I bet."
Dael curls around Pike with a sigh. "So can we all sleep a little longer now?" she asks with a yawn.
"She's got a point," McCoy says agreeing, and tries to pull Kirk back into position between them, but Kirk refuses.
"I'm all awake. Better start setting the breakfast table."
"I'm with you," Pike says, and they move to the kitchen, grinning as the instant, slight snoring of their better halves follows them.
*
The first day of the extended vacation is slow; somehow, they'd burned off most of their sexual energy in the wrap-up of the last day, and now they are too emotionally exhausted and just plain outfucked to engage in anything big. After a short discussion, they end on the beach with a ball. Pike soon needs to bow out and sits down on a bench, enjoying the sight of his playful gang. He's joined by McCoy ten minutes later, with some grumbling about the damn kids that kept beating him up. There's something cozy about how they sit side by side and watch the two younger members of the cloverleaf play a very intense, high-speed game of beach volleyball.
"I thought about changing my personal status," Pike says out of the blue. "Adding all of you as my partners. It's not like getting officially married or anything but…"
"…close enough," McCoy completes the sentence. "Would look a little strange when one-sided, so I guess it's all or none of us, right?"
"Yes. Thought about bringing up the theme later. Once dropped it with Jim, and he would go with it." Pike tilts his head as he notices McCoy's thoughtful glance. "Anything wrong with it?"
"Dael's in her second year. In three months, she's going to transfer for her first on-ship duty, right?"
"Yes."
"I doubt it would be a good idea if any potential captain or XO could tumble over the fact that she's with a plural us. Especially when all our names come up."
"I see your point. Although I don't like it." Pike sighs a little. "Tagging people as partners is the easiest way to ensure proper proceedings and information channels if anything goes wrong."
"Well, considering that I've got pretty much a wire to your brain via Anumanchi, I don't think we'd need that additional fallback layer," McCoy points out. "And if anything happens to Jim and me, you'd be among the first ones to know anyway. Given that Nogura knows about Dael, she'd also be in the loop even if she'd be on a training cruise. And there's Nat, right? She knows Dael."
"Yes, she does." Pike leans against the man at his side. "You're right, I won't bring up the subject. Dael shouldn't be judged by who she's associated with but on her own rights and achievements."
"I bet you'll find a good ship for her." McCoy's hand rubs over his back, easing some tension away.
"I'll try." There's a light smile around Pike's lips. "Not the Enterprise, though."
"No, that wouldn't be good," McCoy agrees. "She needs a ship on which she can prove to herself and everyone else that she's doing good work. With us… chances are the relationship would come out and that would put everything in a bad light."
Pike nods. "Guess a part of me just would've liked to make it official."
McCoy smiles. "I know that feeling." His hand brushes upwards, curling in Pike's neck. "Getting you all tagged as mine, yeah, that's something I would like too," he whispers, his smile broadening.
"All?" Pike asks, giving the doc a side-glance.
"All," McCoy confirms.
A rush of warmth runs through Pike. It just keeps being important that the doc accepts Dael, and every time McCoy makes that clear, Pike feels yet some more of the remaining, lasting weight being lifted from his chest. He takes a deep breath and briefly closes his eyes, blindly running one hand down the other man's leg. "Love you, Leonard."
"Love you too, Chris."
They keep sitting like this for a while, until the other two show up, all flushed and excited, and drag them to the next ice cream parlor.
*
Then suddenly the day is over and a new morning is breaking, leaving Pike wondering where the time had gone. They make up for the lazy evening by enjoying a round of sweet morning sex, then set up the table together, which makes for a rather crowded kitchen.
The second they're all comfortably settled, the door bell rings. Pike automatically stares at Dael, who stares right back.
"You're awaiting any guests?" Kirk asks confused.
"None that we know of," Pike replies and gets up again, glad that he's fully dressed. "I'll see to it."
The moment the main door opens, he thinks he's dreaming. It can't possibly be the man himself standing in front of it, all in uniform.
There's got to be apocalypse impeding.
"Heihachiro –"
"Good morning, Chris," Nogura says. "I tried to call you, but you obviously set your console to silence. I trust Jim Kirk is here too?"
"Yes, he is." Seeing no other way to handle the situation, Pike steps back and makes an inviting hand sign. Nogura nods and passes him.
"I need to talk to you both."
Trying to pull his coffeeless brain together, Pike decides that everyone of their group should be reasonably dressed and more or less presentable, if only in slacks. "Wait a second," he says anyway and walks to the kitchen, opening the half-closed door and sweeping his assessing gaze over his frowning lovers. "We've got a surprise visitor," he says then and nods towards Nogura. The dumbfounded looks on everyone's face would be amusing if Pike didn't feel rather weird himself. A whirl of Sir and Admiral Nogura resounds as all scramble to their feet.
"Good morning, ladies and gentlemen," Nogura says, a surprisingly old-fashioned phrase. "At ease, please. I wish I could've avoided disturbing your breakfast round like this, but I wanted to abduct you, Chris —" he nods towards Pike —"and you, Kirk, for a little outing today. I apologize for the short notice, but I promise it will be worth your time."
Frankly, Pike doesn't want to leave to places unknown with Nogura, but there's no way in hell to say no to a chief of chiefs who is standing in the middle of your kitchen. Besides, no matter how nicely the invitation is worded, it's still an order. Kirk has much the same opinion. "I need five minutes," he states.
"Make that ten," Nogura replies and takes a seat. "I gather that there's a cup of Chris' famous coffee available here?"
Pike frowns as Dael wordlessly takes care of that but before he can say anything, Kirk passes him and pulls him towards the bedroom. "Do you have any idea where we'll be going?" the captain mutters as they're behind the next closed door.
"I have no clue," Pike says and gets his uniform, while Kirk hurries into the shower.
They're ready in seven minutes and return to the kitchen together, where Nogura is obviously upholding a rather one-sided talk, with McCoy and Dael looking a bit like deer caught in headlights. Pike sympathizes.
"Ready to go?" Nogura asks superfluously, then gets up with a last nod and a few words to the seated party. There's little left for Pike aside from a short, "I'm really sorry for this. Spend the day as you like," before hurrying out, Kirk on his heels.
Seconds later they sit in Nogura's spacious ground car on their way to wherever, and Pike feels really, really bad about all this.
*
"Where are we heading?" Pike asks when they are on the road. Kirk silently sits at his right, legs one above the other, hands loosely laced together in his lap.
"To a place where there is more of this." Nogura points at a little metallic cube, something Pike had considered being mere decoration. He picks it up in curiosity, and in his fingers, it moves as if it has a life of its own. Long thin, needle-like extensions grow out of its core, and it's a little disconcerting.
"Break one off," Nogura says, and Pike does. The ripped part literally melts in his hand; the part left on the core instantly grows again, restored within seconds.
"Impressive. What kind of technology is that?"
"You've seen it before."
"The Borg cube?"
Nogura shakes his head a little. "Yes and no. On the Narada — it's Borg technology of the future."
Pike puts down the cube so harshly that the little table shakes under the impact, some more needles getting bent but twisting back into their original positions like a bug sorting its legs. When Kirk picks up the cube, it keeps moving in the captain's hands.
"The Narada had Borg technology?" Pike asks roughly, rubbing his hands on his pants as if he could get rid of the memory of holding it in his hand.
"Yes." Nogura waves at the cube. "There were a few splinters left in the orbit around Vulcan. A team of hand-picked engineers and scientists have been working on them for the last years. This is only a little toy for demonstration purposes. At the place we're heading to, you'll find many more interesting development results."
Pike curls his hands together, nails scratching palms. "Modified ships?"
"Let's say, ship extensions. Self-repairing units like shields, sentient weapons …" Nogura leans forward, gingerly lifting a cup of tea to his lips for a sip. "You've seen how powerful this technology is."
"Yes, I have," Pike says stiffly. He'd flown right into the fucking leftovers of the massacred fleet, an image he'd never forget.
"It might be the answer to the Borg problem."
"Fighting them with their own weapons?"
"The weapons of the future. They are not theirs yet."
Pike cranes his suddenly aching neck. "If they manage to assimilate this, we'll be as good as dead. They're a lot quicker in adapting to new technology than any other species."
"Then make sure they won't know what kills them," Nogura states.
Pike suddenly feels like a mass murderer, wondering how big the difference really was between Nero and him, both ready to eradicate billions for a greater good. Only, the Borg are a real threat to the Federation and any species that believes in personal freedom — though Pike's not sure anymore that that's enough of an excuse.
Next to him, Kirk still has that damnable cube in his hand, testing its abilities.
"It's impressive," Kirk says at last when he puts it down.
Terribly impressive, Pike thinks.
*
They land at the Federation president's space port, where other officers and Federation officials are waiting for them. There are even several of members of the Borg task force present, some of which Pike meets in person for the first time. They exchange a few sentences, knowing that they'd engage in deeper discussions over the course of the day.
A little at the side, Pike spots Esteban. After having greeted the higher-ranking members of the group, he approaches the captain.
"Joe, good to see you," Pike says as they shake hands. "They called you?" The Lexington has only been back on Earth for two weeks, so seeing the captain here could only mean that he'd be involved in the further proceedings.
"Yes, just four hours ago. I've been on vacation with my family, they had to beam me over. What is this about?"
"Well, considering that you are here, wager a guess." Pike waves Kirk close.
"Joe, this is Jim Kirk of the Enterprise — Jim, meet Joe Esteban from the Lexington." Pike introduces the two captains which to his best of knowledge had never met in person before.
"Nice meeting you, captain," Kirk says over the handshake. "I've heard only good things about your crew and your ship."
"Thank you. I've heard quite a few stories about the Enterprise too — although none from the Admiral," Esteban adds hastily as Kirk glances at Pike. "Just the usual things that go around."
The group assembles to move on to the larger shuttle, and the three men join them.
"May I ask why Captain Kirk is here?" Barnett's stand-in Rolloy says suddenly, and all eyes turn towards Kirk.
"Captain Kirk was the first person to be informed about the Borg, specifically from the original source of the material. It has therefore been decided that he should be more closely involved in the current developments," Nogura answers smoothly.
Pike can see a few critical gazes remaining, and he's got no doubt that in the eyes of some, the only reason Kirk is here would be that he's Pike's lover — or at least the husband of Pike's lover, considering that McCoy's overly healthy welcome is surely all over the admiralty by now.
Once the shuttle is up in the air, Nogura makes the introduction. Then Commander N'het takes over, explaining the technological background of the things they'd see in two hours.
With stiff fingers, Pike opens the neck of his collar, trying to keep calm in the face of high-resolution Narada shots that are used to explain some aspects of the technology that would be used to equip a new generation of Starfleet ships — shots where he could still see the debris lingering in the space around the deep-black arms of the ship, despite all attempts to edit the pictures.
Or maybe it's only in his imagination.
"You okay?" Kirk asks quietly at his side, and Pike shrugs with a frown.
Sure, totally okay.
*
Over the course of the next hours, Pike gives up on pretending that anything about this trip is okay for him.
First of all, the technology makes his stomach turn. He knows it's a knee-jerk reaction and he's fighting it with all his might, but he also knows that every time he opens his mouth during the discussions, he shows some of that personal aversion. Most people in the audience understand where he's coming from, which makes it only worse as it automatically devalues his opinion a little, something Pike absolutely isn't used to.
Second, it rankles that although Pike is the leader of the Borg task force, Nogura had not informed him about this technology in advance. Maybe the old man thinks it's funny when they land at the new Utopia Planitia terminal and he can present Pike's old friend Commander Caren Cho as the one leading the refit of the Pathfinder with the new technology, but Pike doesn't think it's funny at all.
"I'm sorry. Nogura made me swear by the beard of my father to keep silent about this," Cho tries to joke with him over one of the buffet breaks, but he's annoyed enough to let it show on his face. "I'm really sorry," she adds quietly, brushing over his hand. "I can understand that you feel deceived now —"
"It's okay," he states coolly. He doesn't ask how long after Nat's wedding Cho had been given the project, and it frankly doesn't matter — she's only been following orders. It's the man behind all this Pike is angry about, and so he walks away looking for a chance to corner Nogura.
"Did you just need a figurehead, Heirachiro?" Pike asks sharply when they have a quiet minute together. "Or why didn't you tell me about the Borg technology?"
The man looks at him with the usual non-committal expression. "You are much more than a figurehead, Chris. Your name carries weight, you've got a reputation, more than you seem to realize. I've closely followed your progress over the last months, your increasing interaction with the political circles within the Federation. You've made a lot of important contacts."
"But?" Pike asks when Nogura pauses.
"But you've also your own personal history, which doesn't make you exactly welcoming this technology."
Pike can't do anything but admit the truth of these words. "Yes."
Nogura nods. "We need this technology. It's our chance to make the Federation the number one force in the quadrant again."
"I hadn't noticed we've lost that position."
"Some think we already did — some only predict it for the future. In any case, we need to move forward, get proactive."
"And I've been the right tool for that," Pike states coldly.
"You always thought a preemptive strike against the Borg would be the best solution. You just never openly stated it."
"The Interstellar Convention of Space Warfare of 2244 —"
"Is just a convention that might get broken when it's deemed necessary." Nogura straightens, showing their discussion has come to an end. "Let's go back to the others."
Pike follows him with lips tightly pressed together, angry about his manipulating superior and just as much about himself and that he'd ever gone as far as thinking that a preemptive strike would be necessary. Breaking the convention would open the door for any planet within the Federation — and outside of it — to go back to their convenient warfare of the past, where it had been enough to see another planet as a potential threat to lash out. Playing dirty with the Borg would smear dirt on every action and every big-worded declaration of the Federation, discredit it for years to come, and Pike doubts that the level of broken china is currently worth it.
But his change of mind comes definitely too late by now. Nogura has taken the foundation Pike had laid with his own work and is now actively steering Starfleet towards a new step of military build-up, and most people attending today are in favor of that strategy — including Kirk, which rankles on yet another frustrating level.
Not once since the one meeting that had started off their relationship had Pike interacted in a professional context with Kirk, and the ever present but usually subdued feeling of competition within their relationship is sharp and painful.
While in general he might be proud of Kirk, the man's keen intelligence and remarkable knowledge of strategy and galactic history, finding himself in a discussion where he needs to explain his moving away from his former position and to defend an alternative take on the Borg is one of the hardest things of the last years. The captains are almost the lowest 'fleet ranks in the room, but they're also the ones who'd have to face the Borg threat face to face, and their words have weight within the round of higher-ranking chair pushers (something Pike had always fought for, and having it backfire at him now is another sore point). Esteban had always supported the idea of an early intervention with the Borg, and now clearly feels a little let down by Pike's change of opinion. Kirk keeps mostly in the background but Pike soon learns that once Kirk says something, his arguments are thought-through and terribly convincing, usually resulting in moving the discussion in another direction than Pike would've preferred.
It's late in the afternoon when Pike finds himself in the restroom all by himself, staring at his pale, old face in the mirror. He's deeply exhausted from the long day and all the intense discussions, and feels sick to boot. He wants to go home — or even better, he wants to throw the whole Borg business into Nogura's lap and retire. He's been outmaneuvered; his position will lose the discussion, Esteban will be given the Pathfinder for a strike against the Borg although they don't have enough data to back up that strategy yet, and Kirk has managed to show everyone in the admiralty that he's a force to be reckoned with, one of the future leaders of Starfleet.
While Pike is only moving downhill, in every regard — getting old, getting tired, getting out of the loop.
It would be better to just step down while it's still his own choice.
He's not happy at all when the door opens and Kirk, of all people, steps in. They'd barely exchanged a word in private all day; he could well have stayed out of Pike's view for the remaining hours.
"Chris! I hoped I'd find you here," Kirk says and draws close. "You don't look well. Is everything all right?"
Pike purses his lips. "Nothing is all right, Captain."
Kirk frowns at him in the mirror. "What's the matter?"
"Besides getting counted out by Nogura and you today? Nothing, probably." Pike turns his head away, unwilling to face Kirk's gaze.
"Fuck." Kirk laughs, and Pike feels a burning urge to push his fist into his lover's face. "You've got to be kidding. Half the time I sat in that round table I was speechless due to all the background information you brought up, all the data your task force has collected. You've picked fantastic specialists and it's obvious they all had a lot of freedom for working on the task, reaching their conclusions without you forcing any political demands on them, although you and Esteban had already developed an opinion about the Borg and how to deal with them.
"But that good work is now your problem — the facts are too much weighing into the direction of a preemptive strike. Your argument of the Federation violating one of their own major resolutions is valid, and before Nero, you'd probably have won the discussion. Back then, people just couldn't believe that anyone would be strong enough to endanger a founding world of the Federation. But after the loss of Vulcan, we're all much more aware of the risks. Nobody wants to see Earth endangered once again."
Kirk puts one hand on Pike's shoulder. "Your point about it being dangerous to engage such a technology-oriented species with brand-new technology of their own future is also valid. But you are a bit too critical of this new technology for reasons everyone understands, and that's not helping your point."
"I know." Pike takes a deep breath. "I've really crossed my zenith. I should step down, retire."
"Bullshit," Kirk says bluntly. "After today I understand why people think you're Nogura's crown prince. I've listened to the other admirals in the breaks; they aren't half as well-informed as you are about the current Federation politics. They all know that whenever Nogura needs someone to swap ideas back and forth, he goes to see you."
"That's crap," Pike states sharply. "And if it were true, he should definitely find someone better as his successor, considering that I'll die long before him."
Kirk opens his mouth and closes it again, then suddenly shakes his head. "Bones is going to kill me," he says. "Come on, let's get something to eat."
"Excuse me?" Pike snaps as Kirk takes his arm.
"After your blackout on our first morning, Bones gave me a little lecture about your health and what I should look out for. Irrational behavior caused by low blood sugar was on the top of his list; obviously you're a lot more at risk for that due to your medication." Kirk steers him out of the restroom and towards the buffet that's set up in a side room.
"I'm not irrational," Pike grits out under his breath when Kirk forces him to take a seat on a small table away from everyone else, but the captain wordlessly leaves to move to the buffet, grabbing a tray on the way. A part of Pike just wants to walk away but the moment he sits down his exhaustion catches up with him, so he puts his hands on the table and waits.
When Kirk comes back, he balances a well-filled tray with two large glasses of apple juice. "You've barely eaten anything." Kirk lifts his finger as Pike wants to dispute that. "Don't lie to me, I've been on the lookout once in a while and you've always been deeply in discussion with people during the breaks. So here, help yourself, it's all yours."
Pike stares at the two dishes piled with food. "No way I'm going to eat all of this."
"You eat as much as you can, and I take the rest." Kirk grabs a fork and picks up a piece of roasted meat. One of the other admirals looks as if he wants to join them, but the captain's deep frown chases the man away.
"And no discussions right now," Kirk states at Pike's irritated glare. "They all can wait until you're in a better shape."
With much annoyance, Pike addresses the food, but it takes only minutes until he realizes that Kirk's diagnosis had been rather to the point, as his mood instantly improves once the nutrients hit his blood stream.
"I haven't been able to send a message to Bones due to the protection of the building," Kirk says, "but Nogura was kind enough to send them a note that we'd probably be back by 2200."
"That late?" Pike can't help uttering a sigh as he leans back in the chair. "I give up." He waves at the leftovers, and Kirk doesn't need another invitation to heartily address the food.
In comfortable silence, he watches Kirk eating.
"You're okay?" Kirk asks when they're both done.
"I'm much better than before," Pike replies. "Thanks, Jim. I'm sorry for overreacting." Most of the sore points are still valid, and he'd need to find a way to deal with them — and Nogura — but his interpretation of the events had definitely been a little exaggerated due to his bad state.
When they return to the meeting room, Pike feels a lot more relaxed and rational and can take the final vote of the round in favor of the Pathfinder's mission in a stride. Getting the ship out of the docks would take at least four months, followed by another twelve months of extensive testing, which would give him and his task force ample time to keep working on the data. The general vote for a preemptive strike still leaves a lot of room for the actual orders Esteban would receive, and Pike would try to use his influence here. No china has been broken so far, the future is still open.
On the flight back, Nogura pulls Pike aside to congratulate him on the good work of the task force, and while Pike feels less than grateful for having Nogura maneuver him around like a chess piece, he doesn't let it show right now. He returns to the others to enjoy another hour of private conversation with his attending task force members, the general exhaustion and a glass of wine loosening everyone's tongue for a few even franker statements than they'd already delivered over the day. Despite Pike's change in position, which had not been well-received by some, they're all willing to remain on the team, now much more aware of how influential their results are on Federation politics. Seeing their opinion having an impact on important decisions is a new experience for many of the scientists, and it's generally granted to Pike's close connection to Nogura that the impact is quite that direct.
Only when the shuttle has landed on Earth, Pike gets back to Kirk's side and then uses his beam account to get them home in an instant.
*
When they walk through the door, Pike is so tired he feels like breaking down any second. The other parts of the cloverleaf are in the living room, Dael on the couch, the doc in an armchair, both looking up from the PADDs in their hands when they walk into the room.
"Hey there," Kirk says and flops right down into the next armchair.
"How'd it go?" McCoy asks with furrowed brows, but Kirk shakes his heads. "Top secret," he says, sitting up to remove the uniform shirt.
"I need a timeout for an hour," Pike says, and his fingers tremble as he starts unbuttoning his uniform. He turns on his heel and rushes to the bedroom. Almost tearing apart the uniform, he strips out of it all and falls right into bed, grappling for the juice bottle to get some much-needed water and sugar.
Dael follows him seconds later, just as he's hoped, and he invitingly pulls up the blanket when she joins him.
"Good to be home," he whispers as he buries his face in the crook of her neck. Just lying down with her is a major stress-release. "How's your day been?"
"Okay." She curls around him.
"I'm sorry we had to leave."
"Did you see interesting things?" she asks softly.
"Interesting… well. Powerful. Dark. Possibly more than we can handle." It's hard to speak, drop-dead tired as he is right now.
"Sleep for a while," she says and combs through his hair before kissing him. "We'll prepare a midnight snack."
"Hmmm, yes." Last thing he feels is her slipping out of bed before he drops into a dreamless, exhausted sleep.
*
Despite his intention to get up after a short nap, it's already morning when Pike wakes up again. Pressed to see the bathroom, he sleepily tumbles out of bed and walks into it, taking a moment to process the stunning image in front of him. Kirk and Dael are having sex in the shower and it's of the athletic quality, with Dael's back against the wall, her legs around Kirk's hips. The position gives Pike a great view of the younger man's muscular backside, pronounced by the way Kirk pounds into her.
Shit.
He sharply turns on his heel and walks out again.
"Chris, hey —" McCoy calls after him, but Pike rushes towards the neighboring room, using the bathroom there. Once on the toilet, he buries his face in his hands. He'd definitely not needed the view of Kirk taking Dael in a way Pike would love to do but couldn't right now due to his health shit, and it hurts more than he would've expected. It must be the aftereffects of yesterday. With effort he drags himself into the shower, trying to get rid of all the feelings of inadequacy that suddenly turn up again, sharp and edgy.
He's just done with toweling himself when his console goes off. He walks to the other room with a frown, the towel around his shoulders — he couldn't remember having removed the vacation setting, and true to his memory, the call turns out to be an emergency, right from Nogura's desk. In foreboding, Pike establishes the connection.
"Good morning, Chris," Nogura says, an unusual gravity already in his first words. "I've got bad news for you."
"The Borg?" Pike can't help asking, the meetings of yesterday still foremost on his mind.
"No. It's about Richard Barnett. He died last night."
"Barnett is dead?" Pike repeats blankly, unable to parse the news right away.
"Yes. I'm sorry. I know that you've visited him in hospital over the last months. He always enjoyed your visits…" Nogura clears his throat, something absolutely unusual for the old man. "I'll keep you informed about the funeral proceedings. They'll probably be within the next four days. It's been decided to keep Kirk and McCoy here until then, they'll be great representatives of the ships and their crews."
Pike nods, forcing out a brief, "I understand."
"And because I have to ask – you wouldn't want to take over Ship Operations, would you?"
"No. Definitely not." Pike doesn't even need a moment to make up his mind; aside of the fact that this would put him in the direct chain of command to his lovers, he's already working on the limit with just the task force. Most of his duties regarding Auditor General have already been given to his deputy Okonkwo who would take over the department in a few weeks, so taking over one of the largest and most important departments instead is absolutely out of the question for Pike.
Nogura nods gravely. "I thought so. But I had to ask. I'm sorry, Chris. Have a good day anyway." The connection closes.
Barnett is dead.
The truth settles slowly, painfully, a conglomeration of feelings; mourning for the man he'd known for so long; regret for the stupid misunderstandings they had been prone to engage in; irrational anger towards Spock for never having replied to Pike's plea for help; and deep-down just plain fear, the sudden feeling that he'd be the next to go. Not with a thunder, probably, but wasting away in bed just like Barnett, a thought that makes him almost panic. He might have promised McCoy he won't arrange for any plug pulling, but frankly that makes him only more determined that in a worst case scenario, he should speed up the process, because for as long as he'd be vegetating in bed, the people he love would feel tied to him, wouldn't be able to move on the way they should.
Well, this isn't the day yet, he thinks as he listens to the sounds from the kitchen, the voices of his lovers in the distance. It might come sooner than he'd like to, but he's been prepared for dying maybe too often in his life already to really fear the fact itself. It's just the idea of going slowly, a burden to everyone around him, that darkens his mood.
He looks up from the console when Dael walks half into the room, one hand on the door frame. She's naked, her body still glistening from a recent shower. She looks young and alive, breathtakingly hot and at the same time strangely intimidating, mirroring the reason for his problems back with every black line on her body. On his tongue, he feels the metallic taste of blood, unsure where it comes from, but only strengthening his dark mind set.
"Breakfast is prepared," she says, and he finds that he's not ready to join them at the table, watching her and Jim sitting close to each other, smiling and joking, two young, healthy people. Not right now.
"Start without me," Pike says. "I'll be there in a while."
Her tattoos curl in a frown. "Anything wrong?"
"Nothing with you, just something at the admiralty," he lies.
"Okay," Dael says and vanishes.
He should've known that the others wouldn't eat up his bullshit as easy as Dael, when two minutes later, Kirk is in the doorway.
"So are you finally ready to admit it's not all easy for you?"
Pike looks up from where he's rubbed his face in his hands. "What's your problem, Jim?" he says coolly, gearing up for the obvious confrontation. "Because from the first moment on, you've been criticizing me a lot more than ever before."
"My problem?" Kirk walks into the room, a clear challenge in his posture. "My problem is the way you handle your relationship with Dael. Which frankly should be your problem."
"We're fine." As long as you aren't around, some bitter, jealous part inside Pike adds. He wants to be cool but he isn't, fuck.
"Oh, sure," Kirk retorts. "That's why you don't really stand by her in public."
"Huh?" Pike startles. "We're out to the academy."
"A few selected people know — all others only guess, and talk."
"I took her to a family gathering."
"Because Nat phoned you, right? Not because you asked to bring Dael along." Kirk shakes his head. "You don't even give her space in the apartment where you live together. She's got beautiful art in her room, paintings made by her, and instead of hanging them up, you never even did as much as ask her about them."
"She never even indicated that she wants me to register the paintings," Pike states sharply. "Her family is a touchy subject and she has more than once told me that it's been good that I never asked for information, just showed that I'm ready for her if she needs to talk about them." He squares his shoulders. "I really don't know where you're coming from, Jim. I try everything to make her feel accepted and equal and —"
Kirk laughs roughly. "You're not equals, Chris."
Pike freezes. "You're speaking for Leonard now?"
"No. I'm just trying to explain something you obviously don't get, or aren't willing to see. You're not equals, and you won't be for many years, maybe never. She's twenty, all alone in the world, with barely a credit and no position to speak of. You're more than twice her age with an illustrious career and rich by most people's standards. You're not equals, and while I give you points for trying, I'm starting to get the feeling that this is the core of your problem."
"And what is my problem?"
"That you can't really accept being with her."
McCoy pokes his head in. "You done fighting? Need a referee?" He tries to sound funny but it falls flat for the concerned expression on his face.
"Come in," Kirk says. "And bring in Dael, because it's fucking time we get this sorted out."
Pike feels like in the center of a tribunal as the other two join them, McCoy with a deep frown on his face, Dael visibly reluctant, by now dressed in a shirt and shorts. He could take the easy way out, try to run, bring up Barnett, but none of that would solve what's obviously been smoldering underneath the layer of what he'd thought to be a functioning relationship with Dael.
"As I just tried to bring across to Chris —" Kirk says and waves at him — "Dael and him are not equals. We all agree on this, right?"
Pike gnashes his teeth. "Maybe regarding certain obvious points but I try to take care that within our relationship and every aspect I can influence, we are equal."
"In most regards, you're not equal," Kirk repeats. "And tell you something — it's not that important. Most people don't care about it half as much as you do. They don't care who you are with, who you fuck, what you do in your evenings. But on the other hand, you completely ignore those of her peers who do have a problem and give her shit about her relationship with you."
"How should I know about the latter, when Dael never told me?" Pike looks at her, feeling betrayed and at loss. Why does Jim know and he doesn't? "Why didn't you tell me, Dael?"
"Guess what — she didn't want to make things harder for you," Kirk states. "She's used to eating a lot of crap from the people she loves —"
"Stop it, Jim," Dael states. "Just stop it." Silence abruptly settles over them all. Pike feels like shit warmed over. Where's a convenient blackout when you need one?
"I want to be allowed to need Christopher," Dael says, so quietly he almost doesn't hear her. "That's all I ask for."
Pike swallows hard, once again taken by surprise from the direction the discussion is taking. "Dael —"
She looks at him. "I was determined not to envy Jim and Leonard for anything they might get from you that I don't, but I envy Leonard because you're there for him when he needs you. With me… you want me to be strong all the time — but I'm not." She tightens her lips, one erratic hand brushing over her face.
"I fear making you seem small," Pike says, chest tight. "Everyone thinks you're young and need protection and that I'm taking advantage of you."
"I know that you don't. They know." She looks at his lovers, than down to the floor. "You want me, but you don't know how to deal with that. You hate it when I spend the weekend with Caitleen but you never say it."
"I thought you wanted that freedom."
"I meet her because I didn't want to make you feel as if you're the only important person in my life. I wanted to give you room for meeting John and having a good time with him."
"I haven't slept with John since before we got together," Pike replies. "The only thing we've done lately is have a drink or two." And after Farnham's strange behavior in the club four days ago, even that may be over for good. Pike shakes his head, rubbing over his face with both hands for a moment to try and collect his thoughts. All of him is tense like an overdrawn bow, close to breaking, and he doesn't even really know why.
Pike hold his breath when Kirk asks, "Is Caitleen important to you, Dael?"
She instantly shakes her head. "Not like you. She's a woman, and it's different being with one, and I couldn't promise that I'd never want to be with another woman in my life, but right now I only want one person on Earth." She looks at Pike. "I don't even really want to work in the club right now. I've so much work at the academy, most Friday nights I just want to go to bed and sleep. But I didn't want to stop because the admiral thinks it's good for me."
"It is good for you," Pike says absent-minded.
Kirk shakes his head. "Chris, damn — do you want a partner, or do you want to keep mentoring a cadet? You don't get to have both, you know. And that goes for you too, Dael. He's got a name, so use it. He might be an admiral, but for you he should be your partner."
"He doesn't want to be that. Not really." She sounds resigned, tired.
"Dael — if I know anything about Chris, he wants you. He went through that shitty outing Nogura forced on him, he let you move in with half your stuff — if he doesn't want you, I don't get why he'd give himself that." McCoy says.
"He would've been happier with a secret affair," she replies, and when Kirk searches Pike's eyes, he averts the gaze because it's true. "He may love me, but that doesn't mean he wants me in his life. Our neighbors think I'm his daughter, and he didn't correct them. We never go out together, never meet other people aside of his family."
"Hell — say something, Chris," McCoy berates him as Pike stays silent, not knowing what to say when all she brings up is true, not counting the receptions at the Vulcan embassy to which she'd been explicitly invited. "Because I know that she's become the most important thing on Earth for you, so after coming that far, why do you seem to be unable to live with the consequences?"
"Oh yes. Why don't I just claim all her time, make her stop working in the club, tell her to stop seeing that woman because I want her all for myself. Why don't I get me a little stay-at-home wife who's at my beck and call like I'm some heterosexual asshole that thinks he's better than everyone —" Pike blurts out, and abruptly stops.
FUCK.
"I'll be right back." He scrambles to his feet and stomps onto the terrace where he heavily leans onto the balustrade.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
He sinks down on the ground, knees pulled against his chest with his arms lacing around them, bending his head so that his forehead rests on his knees. So much for tense bows.
When the door opens after a while, he doesn't have to look up to be sure it's Leonard. The man quietly sits down next to him.
"You know — if you hadn't run like that, we'd probably have considered it to be just some cliché shit," McCoy says softly.
Not yet ready to answer, Pike stays silent.
"It's not like I didn't wonder once in a while why you were so adamant about your sexual preference. It's rather rare today, with everyone being so cool and experimental. So this isn't really about anyone's gender, is it?"
"But it is. I am gay, doc, and yes, I'm adamant about it as it's a big point in my life." Pike sighs. "I grew up in an extremely conservative surrounding with very traditional gender roles. Enter adjectives like bigot, prejudiced and homophobic at your discretion, all of them would be correct. My father was an authoritative asshole, my mother… well. It took me years to free myself from many deep-seated, wrong beliefs, but as you know, it's close to impossible to get rid of all childhood conditioning."
McCoy can't completely hide his surprise, chewing on the statement for a moment. "I see. So you grew up with a very bad blue print of heterosexual relationships. That doesn't turn every straight man into an asshole."
"Too many, too often, doc. I always wanted equality in my relationships. That's the most important thing to me. Two equal partners. Two people with their own money, their own jobs. Nobody depending on anyone else. I was glad to find I prefer men, because I couldn't imagine such an equal relationship with a woman."
Pike fists his hands. "And now I've got a relationship that could be subsumed by the headline 'despite it all'. I still think I'm gay because that's my core, always has been, but I'm with a woman and not one of my own age either but with a damn young woman that's much more emotionally dependent on me than it's good for her. And I can't stand the thought of looking straight. That's the only thing people see when Dael and I are together, a man and a woman, and they might complain about our age or rank difference but we're just a straight couple for them like everyone. I don't want that. I hate that."
"Would you feel better if she turned into a guy?"
"Not if she did it for me. As far as I know it's not what she feels, so I'd never want her to change her sex."
"So if she stays a woman, would you rather end the relationship?"
Pike hangs his head. "No. Not if I can help it. Right now I can't imagine not being with her. But at the same time, I can't imagine really being with her either. What shall I do, write QUEER on my forehead to stop people from leaping onto the next best interpretation when they see us?"
"You can't stop people from thinking you're straight ," McCoy says. "The only thing you can influence is how much it matters to you what they think."
"I tried, doc, but I'm not good at ignoring people's opinion when it comes to my private life."
"Don't try — do it. Because if you don't manage to solve this dichotomy, you're going to lose her. You're good for her, in so many ways, but if you want this to be a healthy relationship, you've got to live with all the aspects. And she is a woman, and you look like a straight man with her — even worse, an old, lecherous, straight man who's seduced a young girl with his position and money."
Pike groans. "Holy damn, you're helpful. Are you always slapping your patients around like that?"
"Only the ones who need it," McCoy says mercilessly. He pulls Pike into a hug. "Chris — I know that you're not that kind of guy. Jim knows, Dael knows, and everyone who's ever talked to any of you for longer than ten minutes knows that this picture is dead wrong. For all I can see you don't take advantage of her, but from the outside, it easily looks like that and will for a long time. You can hate that or you can face the critics head on by having a great relationship with a great woman and broadcasting that to the world.
"Subconsciously, she knows you don't know how to deal with the woman in her, so she keeps staying the boy. It's not really hard on her, she's played that role for most of her adult life. But that's why she's still starving herself, Chris, and that's not good for her. She's got to gain some weight and get her period, but she fears you'd love her less for it."
"I'd never —" Pike snaps, but McCoy cuts him short.
"You've got a mega hang-up when it comes to women and being bisexual — yeah, get used to that word, because you are to a degree — and it's a very real danger that you'll have a hard time dealing with a woman at your side. I'm not talking about the sex, you seem to manage fine enough, and love is definitely not the problem here. But you don't want to be seen as straight and that means that you're subconsciously trying to keep her as a boy."
"Stop analyzing me," Pike states, but the sharpness dies on his tongue before the words are out.
McCoy smiles sadly. "I didn't even get really started, but I guess it's enough for one morning." He tightens his hold on Pike, not letting go. "I only want you to be happy, both of you. She's a great girl, she can use all the love she can get."
"Ah, fuck. I wish I knew what to do," Pike sighs, his brief anger wiped away by frustration and simple, plain fear that he might push Dael away.
"Get it clear what you want and how to deal with it when you get it. And find out what she wants." McCoy joins his sigh. "And I thought I was the only one with a relationship problem…"
"You've got no exclusivity for fucking up a partnership," Pike says. "I know you always think of your divorce, but it's not really a rare event."
"But I won't have that another time. Not because I got so much better in dealing with all that, but because of Jim and you not letting me just run away."
"True."
"And just as that, we won't let you ruin that thing you could have with Dael just because of some past shit in your life. Promise."
"That's a word." Pike laughs a little.
"Yep. So, if you need any advice with women, come to me for the emotional stuff and go to Jim for the sex tips."
Pike nods, releasing some of the tension in his shoulders.
"Should we go back in to them?" McCoy asks.
"I need a moment with Dael alone," Pike says. "Could you please send her out here? Only if she wants to, of course."
"Sure." McCoy nudges his shoulder. "You're a good man, Chris. A wonderful man. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise." He kisses him, then gets up from the floor and leaves.
Only a few minutes pass before Dael steps through the door, all of her body posture screaming her tension.
"Come to me, Dael," Pike says and holds out his hand. She gets down on the floor, crouching between his knees. He looks at her, takes in her pale face and wide eyes, the sharp tattoos. Damn, he wants her so much, and he'd almost fucked up.
"I've got to apologize to you. I'm so sorry for trying to force you out of my life because yeah, a big part of me doesn't like the idea that you really need me. I want you to be strong and grown-up and able to live without me, and in the progress I forgot that every relationship lives from the need and want of each other." She wants to say something but he doesn't let her interrupt him. "And I'm sorry that it took me so long to even realize what I hate about appearing as a straight man. I wanted to have you but I didn't want to look as if I am with a woman. Of course, that doesn't work at all. So I want to promise you something — I promise to acknowledge you, all of you, no matter how you're dressed and how you feel. I'll acknowledge you as my partner, wherever we are — here, at the academy, wherever. You are mine and the world better gets used to that fact because I've got no intention to change it."
He looks at her. "Anything to say?" he asks when she holds his gaze in growing silence.
"You mean I'm allowed to say something after your speech?" she says, but there's a smile lingering on the edge of her mouth.
"Yes."
"I want you, in every regard I can have you," she says. "I realize that I'm not what you were looking for and that I'm a daily challenge to the image you and everyone who knew you had of you. I promise that I'll support you in that fight. That I will speak my mind if you do something that makes me feel unwanted and unaccepted. That I'll care more for myself because some subjects are my own problem."
He takes a deep breath, letting out the air he hadn't even noticed he'd held in his lungs.
"I love you, Christopher," she says and leans forward for a kiss.
"I love you too, Dael." He cradles her in his arms, her head pressed against his shoulder. "So much. My girl." A shiver runs through her as she clutches him more tightly. "My girl." He soothingly strokes her hair, holding her close. He'd have a lot to think through but he knows he'll find a way to deal with it — for her.
*
Onto part 6
