Never ever fic.

[syredronning]

Oh, I like this idea, therefore snatched from vail_kagami:

Never Will I Ever Meme: Name a fic you think I will never, ever, ever write. In return, I will attempt to write a snippet of that fic.

Any trek character or pairing is game.

/procrastinating writer is procrastinating

EDIT: This is probably the worst meme (for me) I ever offered but I'm not retracting the offer *shudders over some of the prompts* :P

Comments

[spikeface.livejournal.com]

So I was just re-reading and re-squeeing over Arrangements, to which one of the readers responded:

Poor Jim...I really feel sorry for him, he is being used so badly. But this is a nice story. I just hope that in the end Jim will get all the lovey-dovey he needs (the romantic me). Unfortunately that romanticism would clash with the nature of this fic.

You said, basically: never gonna happen.

... Do it.

[syredronning.livejournal.com]

Oh, I already regret my offer :P *thinks hard*

[syredronning.livejournal.com]

(Not sure it's really happy, but the happiest I could come up for that story line...)
***
McCoy didn't understand why Kirk rescued Pike, of all men, from the Narada, even urging the doctor to save the captain's life. At least not until Kirk deliberately kept him from the emergency surgery Pike would need to get back on his feet.

"Not yet," Kirk said and held his arm. McCoy thought of all the times when he had to heal wounds caused by Pike's brutality, and it wasn't a chore to wait another hour.

Of course, he hadn't been much better back then, too much enjoying the power he'd held over the boy. Today, the former boy was a man and would be able to kill him any second. Sometimes McCoy wondered why Kirk didn't do it.

"Not yet," Kirk said once more an hour later, and McCoy once again turned in the door, pretending some equipment malfunction.

"You're an idiot, McCoy," Pike pressed out when they were finally face to face, right before the hypo could knock him out. "One day, he'll take his revenge on you like he does on me."

"Maybe he will," McCoy agreed. "Maybe he won't." Then he sedated him. The surgery took four hours and still left Pike paralyzed from the neck downwards.

"There are things worse than dying," McCoy said to Kirk once the acting captain stood at his side, hovering over the sleeping patient.

"There are things worse than living," Kirk replied, a scary light in his eyes as he gazed at Pike. "Even when it was living with you," he added, turning his head to face McCoy.

McCoy swallowed hard but held the young man's gaze. "What now?" he asked and expected a lot of things, including a phaser shot to his chest, so he almost jerked away when Kirk caught his hand.

"I thought we could celebrate our unexpected career advancements," Kirk said, almost gently rubbing McCoy's fingers. "We could even invite Spock and Uhura."

"You are crazy," McCoy said, meaning it. But he didn't say the idea was crazy, because the cunning kid had definitely managed to turn the tables on them all over the last year. Today, Kirk was the boss, and sure enough in his position to invite the demons of his past for a dance to his own tune.

"Let's go," Kirk said, and McCoy followed him.

***

[spikeface.livejournal.com]

Awesome! This could actually be a pretty valid sequel to the original fic. :-D

[zerrah.livejournal.com]

I... actually really liked this. I liked this a lot. :3

Today, Kirk was the boss, and sure enough in his position to invite the demons of his past for a dance to his own tune.

Very poetic.

[illariy.livejournal.com]

You have unleashed a monster.

Pike/Kirk. Pike rapes Jim Kirk, who very clearly said no and no, but after two rounds, Kirk begins to enjoy it. He ends up pregnant and decides to marry Pike and they raise the kid together.

[syredronning.livejournal.com]

UAH! *shudders* Really, monstrous! Uh. I'll try ;P

Damn challenge!

Fill: Pike/Kirk "All He Wanted"

[syredronning.livejournal.com]

Jim Kirk always liked his sex a little rough. Okay, maybe a little was the keyword here, and he usually liked being asked if he wanted to have sex.

But he could totally understand why Pike might have misunderstood his feeble resistance when the captain had bent him over the desk of his office one day. He hadn't really fought it. A few "no, please", a bit of a struggle, nothing serious. It had been his own fault that Pike misread him.

Pike had come quickly, Jim followed not long after that. It couldn't have been wrong when his body liked it, right?

The next time Pike called him to his private apartment. Jim could have said "no thanks", but he drove there anyway. It was only logical that it happened again, right? And while he still didn't really want it, he kind of got used to the idea that Pike took what he wanted, and in a strange way, it kicked him as well. He came three times, twice in the night and once in the morning after Pike slipped his dick into his ass while he was still asleep, fucking him awake.

He started visiting Pike once a week because Pike was great man and it was really an honor to be chosen by him. Pike took him whenever he wanted to, and it was astonishingly hot being at his beck and call, no matter whether Jim really wanted sex in any given minute.

Jim was really surprised when he got pregnant, until Pike told him of the experimental drug he'd slipped into Jim's morning coffee, because he'd always wanted a kid. Jim felt a little violated but the way Pike treated him now - thoroughly pampering him, adoring the growing tummy - made the pregnancy worth the pain in the end.

After the first son was born, Jim would've liked to have a second one but Pike thought it was enough for now. Just the three of them, happy family life in the countryside; exactly what Pike had dreamed of in long, cold nights on a space ship.

Hugging the baby, Jim shuddered, glad that he was spared a fate of loneliness among the stars.

This meme makes me write really creepy stuff.

[merkuria.livejournal.com]

Kirk who wears a purity ring and saves himself for after the wedding because he's not that kinda girl....

Uhm, sorry? :D

Fill: Kirk, purity ring

[syredronning.livejournal.com]

"No sex before marriage?" Bones blinked and pulled his hand away from Jim's groin. "That doesn't quite fit to your reputation."

"It doesn't mean no flirting," Jim said.

"What else does it not mean?" Bones asked suspiciously.

"It doesn't mean no kissing." Proving the point, Jim pulled him into another long, hot kiss. "But it means nothing below my navel or yours."

Bones shook his head in wonder. "You're serious, are you?"

"Completely. My parents did it like that and have found true love. I'm sure it'll work for me too."

"And I thought I came from a backwater corner…" Bones mumbled and got off the bed.

"And I thought you might be the one to understand me," Jim said sadly.

"Marriage is about a lot more than just sex, Jim. And this sexual purity stuff usually just leads to kids having less awareness of STDs and contraception. That's why all official programs in that direction have been canceled since 2220. They just don't work."

Jim shrugged. "They're usually opened again fifty years later. You know how it goes." He sat up. "And this isn't about some program or some church, this is about me and what I believe in. I know everything there's to know about protection, and a lot about sex – I don't live under a rock. I just don't believe that I need to test-run sex with just everybody."

"I'm not speaking about sleeping around, Jim. There's a wide field between being a virgin and a whore."

"Well, then I'm still in the virgin corner. Until the day the right person shows up, with which I want to have more than just sex."

"I see. Well, that's not going to be me, then," Bones said, voice breaking. "I've been through this shit once already, and I'd be damned to go through it again."

(Another story that could actually work but I won't be the one to write it *shudders a little*G*)

[possibly-thrice.livejournal.com]

AU! McCoy discovers Kirk is gay after Kirk makes a casual pass at him one night and defriends Kirk on Facebook collaborates with Gaila to teach Kirk the right way to live and to love, &c.

[syredronning.livejournal.com]

"He's thinks he's gay!" McCoy states with a glare, all of his deeply homophobic Southern upbringing cristallizing in that one word.

"Oh no." Gaila violently shakes her head. "We flirted just yesterday."

"He flirted with me too." McCoy shudders. "We've got to do something."

*

The day after their brainstorming, Kirk's console starts popping up weird ads.

"Healing unwanted same-sex-attraction? What the fuck?" Kirk blurts out. "Hey, Bones, ever seen something that stupid?" He points at the screen and laughs. "Gotta heal my inner child and find God, then I'd turn straight." Kirk shakes his head. "Everyone knows that's bullshit."

"It's not," McCoy says firmly. "There's been serious psychological research on the field, and it's possible to get healed from this kind of sexual behavior."

Kirk shakes his head. "You make it sound like an illness, Bones."

"I only want the best for you, kid. And considering the story of your youth… are you sure that the feelings you experience today aren't simply the result of the ongoing emotional abuse by your step-father?"

Kirk deeply frowns at him, but under the layer of defense and annoyance, McCoy also detects confusion, a nucleus of doubt he can latch upon.

(Uh, this could turn into a seriously creepy story!)

[izzyfics.livejournal.com]

So I laughed for a good few minutes at your "defriends Kirk on Facebook." Hilarious!

even though the "right way" idea is pretty disturbing

[qzee.livejournal.com]

Spock/McCoy "I just want to hug McCoy and squeeze him and call him George," Spock said to Kirk, seeming perfectly logical. Fluffy romanticism a must.

[syredronning.livejournal.com]

Fluffy romanticism, I'll see what I can do ;)

Fill: Fluffy S/Mc (and I fail, duh)

[syredronning.livejournal.com]

Kirk couldn't believe his eyes when he met Spock and McCoy again right after their vacation (vacation as in "trip to Vulcan to get through pon farr under the eyes of an experience healer").

First of all, Spock was completely unable to keep his hands to himself; there was barely a second in which he didn't have some fingers on Bones' hand, shoulder, face, ass… Kirk blinked, but yeah, ass too. Where McCoy went, Spock went too, fussing around, carrying trays, fetching McCoy's coffee. It was disturbing.

Second, Spock had a ridiculous after-sex-glow on his face, something that looked seriously creepy on a Vulcan; it made his face shine lightly green, and his eyes sparkle. If eyes were the window to the soul, on Spock they turned into windows to his sexual arousal, something Kirk for once didn't even want to think about.

Third, Spock said ridiculous things whenever he opened his mouth. Not that any of it was bullshit, no, it was the way Spock said things. Even when reciting some new intermix formula for the warp drive, words like darling and sweetheart and adjectives like beautiful, lovely or enchanting slipped into his statements. Spock even went as far as claiming that the first successful experiment left him ecstatic, and Kirk groaned inwardly as he had a vivid picture of Spock showing McCoy in a very physical way just how ecstatic the result made him. Obviously, Spock's feelings were so intense that they broadcast all over the room.

Kirk finished the meeting as quickly as possible.

"Bones, wait a second," he said, but wasn't surprised when Spock also remained in the room, glued to McCoy's side. McCoy himself looked a little flustered, his face a little red, but not really unpleased by the whole thing.

"How long is it going to stay like this?" Kirk asked.

"Like what?" McCoy said.

"It's my fault, darling," Spock said and put his arm around McCoy. "I can't help myself, I want to squeeze him all the time," he addressed Kirk, as if that explained anything.

"Bones - how long?" Kirk repeated with a glare.

"Ah, I'm not sure." McCoy laughed a little. "The pon farr took a week, and the aftereffects usually last twice as long."

"Take yourself off duty and keep to your quarters."

"Jim -" McCoy wanted to protest, but Spock only pulled him around and started kissing him.

"Alright," the doctor relented when he could speak again. Kirk nodded and fled, locking the door behind him.

Pon farr was hell for the people around the afflicted ones, no shit.

(As romantic as I could get, sorry :)

[zerrah.livejournal.com]

This is so wrong, but here goes:

Kirk/Bones first time; after a steamy kiss, Bones has one stipulation before sleeping with Jim. He insists that they wear Furry costumes. Him and his ex-wife did it all the time so he doesn't see any harm in it.

I totally understand if you can't bring yourself to fill this. XD

[syredronning.livejournal.com]

Oh, I have several friends who ARE furries so this fill should be easy :)

Fill: Kirk/McCoy furry sex

[syredronning.livejournal.com]

"Where are we going?" Kirk asked.

"Hush… just in here." Bones pulled him into one of the cellar rooms. "Friends of mine own the place. They said I could borrow their stuff."

"Stuff? As in…?" Kirk squinted into the rather dark room. Something was hanging at the side. It was –

He blinked as the lights flared, bright and white, and then he blinked again as he saw what exactly was hanging there.

"Costumes?" He couldn't quite bring himself to walk over and take a closer look, still somehow hoping that Bones was just pulling his leg and actually wanted to show him something else.

"Yes. Suits." Bones moved forward, putting his hands on the first one which had to be something like a, eh… white rabbit?

Kirk tried to reconcile his friend Bones, whom he thought to know inside and outside, with the man who now stood next to a line of omg fur suits as if he belonged there. As if it was totally normal to have his hands on such a suit, pulling it down from the coat hanger and –

"Come here, Jim," Bones said. "You've got free choice. They've got three foxes, a wolf, a deer, a dragon, a skunk, a rabbit and a few fantasy mixes." When Jim didn't move, Bones finally turned around to face him fully.

"Jim?"

This was the moment in which James T. Kirk could completely chicken out – hundreds of furry jokes in his mind, he could laugh and leave and hurt Bones forever, or he could be the cool guy he always pretended to be and just go with the flow. Even if it involved omg fur suits.

He'd be damned to leave, Kirk decided, and at last moved forward, checking the suits and settling with one of the foxes. The suit was rather heavy and voluminous, and he was already sweating when he was just inside of it. Bones helped him attaching the paws and feet, and it suddenly felt a lot like one large, furry bondage. But at least he was the fox and Bones, it turned out, was the white rabbit. And everyone knew who topped who, right?

Half an hour later, being jumped by a rabbit on a large, thankfully very stable bed, Kirk had only two thoughts left; first, next time he was going to be the rabbit; and second, fuck this was hot and he might just have acquired a kink he never knew he had.

***

[graceandfire.livejournal.com]

Wow. I am impressed by the total, total crazy of the prompts and the way you've dealt with them skillfully, disturbingly in some cases, and just weaved them into really good, gripping ficlets. I am so impressed :D

[syredronning.livejournal.com]

Thank you! It mostly shows that I can't write NOT serious ;) my mind is not set up for comedy at all :)

[vail-kagami.livejournal.com]

Kirk falls in love with a boar (as in Wildschwein - gender is up to you) and Spock and Bones have to bring him to his senses before he abandons his friends and his carreer for a doomed marriage.

[syredronning.livejournal.com]

Duh, tricky! I'll see what I come up with.

[madelf.livejournal.com]

What a fun meme. You've managed to actually make some respectable ficlets out of some wacky prompts.

[syredronning.livejournal.com]

Thank you! It's an eye opener regarding how well certain people know my buttons *palms face*G*