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syredronningCodes: Pike/OFC (Dael), Pike/Kirk/McCoy, various OCs and other pairings
Rating: NC-17; warning: much queerness, including hetero sex ;)
They go and buy a strap-on for Dael. Actually, she owns one but it's such a low quality that Pike decides that it won't go anywhere near his ass.
So they show up in the shop that was recommended to Dael in the Silver Barracuda. It's Saturday morning, the shop is full of people - and he's the only man, making everyone's head turn. He's almost expecting to get thrown out but it doesn't say women-only at the door, so he takes his chance, trying to be as invisible as possible. Which is not really easy when your lesbian lover and the salesgirl animatedly exchange details about dick sizes in front of a large collection of dildos. Dael ends with two picks and they get shown to a changing box, Pike trailing behind her. Once they're inside, Dael strips down to shirt and knee-high boots without ado and puts on the first.
It just kills him. It looks natural, fits perfectly between her legs, and when he reads the cover information, it says something about neural wiring and full sensitivity. She looks at the mirror and takes the erect member in her hand, testing its weight and feel, and he can see she's satisfied with the result. He inhales sharply as her right hand forms a fist and she tilts her pelvis in a fake thrust. Then she suddenly turns around and looks at him with a curved smile and a little dare. She takes a step back against the wall and spreads her legs a little to make room.
Dael never fails to arouse him, but Dael with a dick simply blows a fuse in his brain. He doesn't care that when he goes down on his knees, one of his shoes gets entangled in the curtain of the box and draws it open a bit, partly presenting his actions to the outside shoppers. He briefly runs his hands over her inner legs, which makes her gasp a little, then licks his lips and bends forward. The dick's head has just the right texture and an agreeable smell, and without further thinking he opens his mouth wide and deep-throats the comfortable length of the fake penis.
"Slower," Dael mutters above him, burying her hands in his hair and pulling him a little back. Seems the full sensitivity isn't just a tag line, and Pike determinedly goes up and down the full length with tight lips, at times letting the dick slip out of his mouth to give the glans some extra stimulation. Damn, he's going to come right here just from the sounds Dael makes above him as she's slowly coming undone. He moves one hand to her clit but it's all covered by the strap-on. Before he can explore further, she slaps his hand away.
"Just your mouth," Dael orders, and damn if that doesn't go straight to his dick, again. He makes a mental note to speak about dirty talking with her because he's got the feeling that he'd take things from her he'd never take from anyone else, and then puts all his concentration in giving her the best head he can give. With every thrust forward, he takes in the full shaft, the glans hitting the bottom of his mouth and some. Soon he can feel her coming closer to release as her hands tighten in his hair, adjusting his head until she's all but fucking his face, over and over until she comes with a small cry. Pike is barely able to breathe while she rides out her orgasm with the dick deep in his throat, but at least there's no sperm – not that he'd mind a version that ejaculates. At last she releases her hold and he withdraws, sagging back on his heels and catching his breath.
"That was fantastic," Dael manages to say before she sinks down on her pile of clothes on the tiny chair. "Should we still try the other one?"
Pike experimentally moves his jaw. "Not sure I'll make it that long," he says amused.
She laces her fingers into his hair, petting him. "You're incredible. Thank you."
"Thank you," Pike says and captures her fingertips for a kiss before he gets up with a small groan.
"Sorry if I've been a little overexcited." Dael runs her hands down his hips.
"Darling, it's become one of my major goals in life to excite you," Pike states. "Not that it doesn't work on me either, so if we don't want to spill come around here for which they'd probably hate me, let's buy it and get out."
She quickly dresses. When they walk out of the box and towards the cashier desk, there are still many gazes but now they've changed in quality; there's less suspicion and a lot more appreciation. The woman at the counter smiles at them as Pike pays. "Thanks for your purchase. You're welcome back any time." Then she adds in a lower voice, "If you ever think about giving deep-throat workshops, sir, you'd be booked out."
"Is that so?" Pike says, torn between flattered and insulted by the transgressive remark.
"Yes, and it's a compliment." The woman gives the shopping bag over the counter. "Sometimes, couples with your constellation show up here. It's usually the sugar daddy style, guys spending money on their young girlfriends while the wife waits at home. But you're of a different brand, and I like that. Enjoy your purchase."
"We intended that with or without your applause," Pike says a little sourly.
When they're outside, Dael laces her arm into his. "She just wanted to pay you a compliment."
"I get her intention," Pike states. "I just didn't like her style." At least the exchange had the positive effect of reducing his hard-on to a level he could hide, so they could go back to further shopping without being too obvious.
"Sugar daddy, what the fuck," he mutters under his breath.
"You do pay the bills," Dael says reasonably, which earns her a glare.
"Anything else would be pointless," he says sharply. "But I'm paying things for us, I'm not paying for your service, sexual or otherwise." He's glad when she quickly switches to the question of food for the weekend.
*
There are days on which she'd prefer not to leave the apartment, when he can feel that it takes serious effort for her to make the actual step out of the door. There are even the odd days when she completely hides from the world. She tries to keep that away from him by calling in time and telling him she wouldn't make it home – she calls his apartment home, and he loves it – and would stay in her dorm room. When he realizes that there seems to be more behind it than just ordinary tiredness, he's unsure if and how he should approach the topic.
That strange therapeutic thing between us. His own words come back to him as he finds himself in front of her door one Wednesday evening, walking back and forth, wondering about knocking and what he would do if she didn't open. Wondering if he should use his emergency override, knowing that it would be wrong to do so.
He stops as a woman walks down the corridor towards his position. She's maybe thirty, with shoulder-long dark hair and a rather female figure, and judging of her clothes, she had to be one of Academy's civilian personnel. She glances up and down his uniform, then nods.
"You're Christopher," she states.
"I am," he says. "And you happen to be…?"
"Roxanne." She glances at the door. "Did you try to knock?"
"Not yet."
She glances back at him. "Maybe it's better to wait a little. Care to have a drink with me?"
Pike actually doesn't want to, but considers it a good tactical move to get to know the woman who's been so outspoken against him. After all, she is still one of Dael's few friends. "Sure."
They end in the small cafeteria that never closes, back in some hidden corner. His hands cradle a tea because the coffee here isn't even worth its name, and she has a hot chocolate.
"I was against your relationship," she starts right away, and looks up from her cup. Her eyes are dark-green and she has a certain air of authority around her which he would find rather positive if she were one of his crew, but he's less enchanted by having to face criticism from someone he'd never met in person before.
It makes him answer a short-clipped, "Not that it changed much."
"No."
Pike tilts his head. "Is it so hard to accept that she wants to be with me? It seems that we have a common goal – looking after her. She can use all the friends she has. I certainly don't want to separate her from her peers."
"You really mean that?" She frowns at him.
"I have no clue where you got the impression from that I would want to isolate her. She's still working in the club every other Friday night, and I try not to claim all her time." Pike shakes his head. "I don't mind you being critical in advance, because the hard facts make the relationship look wrong, but I expect better from someone who claims to have Dael's best interest in mind. I've faced some well-meaning warnings over the last weeks, but nobody had any actual complaints. Dael wants to be with me, and I try my utmost to make this unusual relationship successful."
Roxanne lifts her chin. "Just because it looks good doesn't make it healthy. A blind man could see that your relationship isn't between equals. You're in a position of power, financially settled, even got another relationship running. She'll always be in the weaker position."
"Compared to what?" he asks, feeling a strange impulse to laugh in her face. "If I do anything wrong, the world will launch its wrath against me. Nogura would, my partners would - everyone. My health is a fragile thing, my position of power is exactly worth nothing next time my brain misses a few too many beats."
She snorts. "If you were a really decent man, you wouldn't have given in to her in the first place."
It makes him lower his head and smile. "Yes," he says. "Guess I'm not decent enough to say no to someone who makes every day more bearable just by being with me." His smile broadening, he looks up at her. "That's definitely something you could accuse me of. I'm not saint enough to make myself and her unhappy by stopping a development between two consenting adults because certain people do not approve." His smile vanishes, substituted by the mask he's cultivated in decades of command.
"You may keep your opinion about me. I don't care as long as I don't find you actively trying to work against me. If you do this, you will find me a resilient adversary."
"I've got no doubt about that – sir," she states icily.
"I'll see after Dael now," Pike says and gets up. All right, he had said he wouldn't separate Dael from her peers but damn if he feels like exchanging another word with a woman who's all settled in her judgment of his person. "Good night."
There might have been a muttered "ass" traveling behind him, but he doesn't turn around.
Dael opens at his first knock, fully dressed. "I just decided I'd come home." She hesitates for a moment, a flicker of insecurity crossing her features. "If you want me to."
He moves into the room, unwilling to say anything in the open corridor.
"You lovely, wonderful idiot," he says, lacing his fingers into her hair. "I take you any time, in any mood. I might kick your ass if you try to hide for too long, but I certainly can live with you having bad days." He presses a kiss on her forehead. "I'd rather have you at home than hide out here."
The smallest extra bedroom becomes her room, and he's not surprised when she installs a holo projector that throws cornfields in the wind onto the wall. Her books wander into her room, aside from the stray exemplar she's currently reading and the few that somehow meandered onto his own nightstand. Her clothes and other personal things stay in the main bedroom, though, including both dioramas, and that makes Pike glad.
Sometimes she invites him over to hide with her. Then they just hold each other in silence and watch the stars together.
*
Pike has read Dael's full file before handing her case over the next academic advisor. Considering how much he knew about her at that point, it had been anticlimactic, telling him nothing new.
That should've clued him in that there are things he still isn't privy too. It would've made the surprise visitor in front of his office one Monday night less of a surprise.
"Admiral Pike?" the black-skinned, grey-haired man asks sharply when Pike opens the office door. There's something about the man that makes Pike wonder if he's going to attack him, though he wouldn't know why.
But then the man snaps, "I'm Doctor Aristele M'Benga," and pushes his hand forward for a handshake.
"Doctor M'Benga. The man behind the IDIC Foundation. Please, come in." The tension diminishes as the man passes Pike and sinks down in the chair in front of his desk.
"I am. Nice to know you know my name."
"I've done a little research about the IDICF. You founded it after the loss of Vulcan –"
"Because my son died on Vulcan. Just had gone there for his medical internship." The man accepts an offered drink, before Pike sits down on the other side, "It's been six years, but sometimes I still wake up and think he just called me." The doctor looks at Pike, gaze suddenly sharpening again.
"I did some research on you too, admiral. You've had a long, illustrious career before delivering yourself into Nero's hands. Kept your life, but lost your ship and your health over it." The man waves with his drink. "I also know that you own a dubious club and have questionable sexual preferences. You are in an ongoing relationship with Jim Kirk and Leonard McCoy of the Enterprise and are said to be spending your time with a close friend much too often. You see, I've done my research."
Pike circles his own drink in his hands, feeling his jaw tensing. "I gather you are here on behalf of Dael?"
"Yes," M'Benga agrees.
"What do you want?"
"I wanted to get to know the man the Vulcans thought worthy of being her t'sav'asha."
"Her what?"
"Mentor-lover. Vulcans love these kinds of combinations. I think they invent one whenever they need it." M'Benga points at Pike with one finger. "When I first heard about the development, I was speechless. Angry! By human standards – by my standards - you violated every damn ethic when it came to Dael, and the age difference is much too high. But in Vulcan thinking, it was more than logical that the two of you would get together, and they overruled me."
"Overruled you?" This discussion becomes increasingly surreal. "You mean this relationship is the result of some intervention from Vulcan sources?"
"Partly. We asked Nogura who might be the right mentor for Dael, and when he brought you up, the Vulcans seemed rather intrigued by the idea. When you went to the rehab institution and she joined you there, they made it clear that the obviously developing relationship between the two of you would be logical by Vulcan standards. So they kept me from interfering."
"And they made Nogura accept it?" Pike asks incredulously.
"Yes. God knows he wasn't in favor of it. Thought it would ruin your career." M'Benga sighs. "But what shall I say, I've seen Dael today and she looks happy. Didn't know the girl could smile, but once I brought up your name, she did. So it seems the Vulcans did something right for her, as little as the stay on New Vulcan did her much good otherwise. They tried but both kids were extremely hard to reach, and mind melds only work that far…"
Mind-melds again. Pike becomes decidedly wary about the mental abilities of Vulcans, wondering what else they had never really divulged to the Federation. "I guess they would've needed a little more human affection instead."
"Maybe. Well, looks as if you take care of her. But let me tell you, admiral – if you break her heart, you'll have to answer to me and everyone else who's ever felt responsible for her."
"I'll try to make sure that doesn't happen," Pike says flatly. "But in relationships, there are no guarantees."
"Then you better guarantee she's better off with you than without you," M'Benga states sharply.
Pike tilts his head. "Tell me, who are the Vulcans you keep speaking of?"
"Several you wouldn't know. One you might know – Ambassador Selek."
That scheming, sneaky old Vulcan.
"God knows what they see in you. It's not as if you helped them a lot," M'Benga says darkly, and it allows Pike a look beyond the harsh shell of the man, into the depths where a father is still mourning his only son who died on Vulcan.
"No, I didn't," Pike agrees, putting the drink aside. "The Enterprise came too late. Our attempts to stop Nero's plan came too late. Delivering myself into his hand gave Kirk and Spock the time to save Earth, but Vulcan…" Nero had made him watch, strapped to the table, how the planet disappeared. The images are just as burned into his memory as the feeling of helplessness and shocked despair. A brief wave of nausea hits as the moments after unfold, the useless debate with the mad man that ended with the slug in his throat. With effort Pike brings himself out of the memory and focuses on his visitor again. On the eye contact, the man deflates with a sudden sigh.
"I apologize for my words, admiral. I know that you're still suffering from the aftereffects -"
"Not more than anyone else who's lost someone or something during those days," Pike states tonelessly.
M'Benga nods, slowly. "We've all lost the things dearest to us. Maybe it's really logical that we should not suffer alone." He gets up and takes a tight hold of Pike's hand when they stand at the door.
"I started the IDIC Foundation because I wanted to give all those lost children a chance for the future, now that my own son doesn't have one anymore. Promise me you'll do your best that Dael gets her chance."
"I will, Doctor M'Benga," Pike says, and it feels like an oath.
He's not surprised when the next invitation to a ceremony in the Vulcan embassy is addressed to "Admiral Pike and t'sai Dael". It becomes the only place where she appears in an official function at his side, dressed in a surprisingly female, dark-green traditional robe she had kept from her stay on New Vulcan.
Spock still doesn't reply to his message.
*
Her ass belongs to him. It's a thought that starts to grow over the weeks he tests the waters for anal sex. Pike had rarely given it a conscious thought before but he's definitely an ass man, and he's one with her too, although her ass is the tiniest he ever got his hands on.
Now that she's all spread out for him, lying on her stomach over the new large pillow which he'd actually bought for supporting himself in the same act, the thought gets so intense that it takes his breath away. He took his time over the evening, massaging her with oil all over, bringing her close to orgasm with his fingers more than once, then at last asking her to turn around. He knows from his tentative exploration that she's curious but self-conscious about it like most people, and he's determined to make it a good experience for her.
She sighs softly as he places his hands on her ass cheeks - she's so slim that there's barely any flesh to pull apart, and he can just bend low and give the rosy muscle a first lick. There's some oil but he ignores it as he tongues it, easing her slight tension away. When he thinks she's ready, he sits up and pours some more oil onto his hands. Rubbing his thumbs over the hole, he gives her a moment to adjust to the idea before he slowly presses his left thumb in. She's tight and warm and utters the hottest small sigh.
Fuck, this does incredible things to Pike. It feels more of an act of violation than it ever felt to him with men before, breaching the virginal ass of this boygirl and he's not sure what it says about him that this first intrusion only makes him want to breach her so much more. He hadn't thought about fucking her like this but now it's almost the only thought left in his mind.
Reigning in his arousal with force, he slowly, carefully fucks her open with his fingers, shifting his weight so he can add a little pressure to his movement forward. She's breathing heavily, a gentle moan escaping her lips once in a while. One, two, three fingers, his arm shakes a little from the concentration, and he's so fucking damn ready and so is she.
He quickly cleanses his hands, having read various articles on how vaginal and anal bacteria really don't mix well, and then puts lube on his erection.
Slowly he shifts his hip to press in, his hands on her hip, keeping her in position with more than the necessary strength. A crazy current of desire runs through him as he glides in to the hilt, taking her in possession.
Your ass belongs to me, he thinks, and maybe he says it too because there's an answering Yes hanging in the air. He eases his hands away from her hips for a moment, stroking her back, following the patterns from top to bottom.
"Love you," he whispers. She doesn't say a word, but he can see a smile on her half-hidden face. Reaching around with one hand, he dips his forefinger into her pussy. She's wet, slick from oil and arousal and he's not surprised when she coils to meet his touch, her breathing quickening.
He starts fucking her, and it's like hot lava in his blood stream when he hears her vulnerable sounds, those little desperate sighs. Much too quickly he comes hard, doubling over with a groan as he rides out his orgasm, hands tightly around her waist. It seems to be twice as explosive once he thinks about that he's the first and this is his and nobody else would get his dick in here as long as he's got any say in it.
Not even Jim.
When his own waves ebb, he leans over her and puts his fingers to good use, rotating them around and over her clit, fast and increasingly harder. His other hand is splayed out on her back, and he uses his weight to keep her from escaping his administrations. He's not as gentle as usual, the need to take her into possession still pushing him forward. She's almost sobbing as she arches at last, her legs pressing into the cushions and against his knees. He keeps going until she begs him to stop. Only then he cups her sex, warm and protective, allowing her to calm down. For a while, they just rest like this, his lips dipping kisses all over her shoulders and neck, his caresses increasingly soft and gentle. His deflated erection slipped out sometime in between, and when he moves at last, he pulls her up with him, so that she kneels in front of him, her back to him. He strokes her chest and tiny breasts, whispering I love you and thank you and thinking that he's got it really, really bad. He's incredibly happy and also exhausted and he absolutely can't keep his hands from her, not even when she finally slips out of his grasp with a parting kiss, claiming a need for the bathroom.
He joins her, irritating her a little by it, but she doesn't complain when he gets them into the shower and cleans her all around, pampering her. When they're done, he steps out first and offers her a warmed-up towel. He rubs her dry, placing kisses onto her chest tattoos as he towels lower down. She's leaning forward, placing one hand on his shoulder as she spreads her legs. Encouraged he sinks to his knees, slowly running the towel through her labia. He wouldn't be able to get anything up to save his life but that doesn't mean he can't get turned on from the way she wants more, from him. There's only a faint smell of the shower gel and he pulls her a little open and angles his head to lick her still aroused clit.
Her hands lace into his hair and urge him forward, taking control of his movements. His knees and jaw soon start aching but there's also a sweet feeling of surrender as he gives in to her demands. Partly because it's only fair, partly because in his love for her, there's an almost unlimited amount of desire to please her. She's a gift, something that came across in the moment he needed it the most, and he wants to be worth her time – her youth.
She arches as he slips two fingers into her, adding pressure to her G-point while his lips suck her blooming nub. Her movements get erratic, and just when he thinks he's got to give up due to exhaustion, she shudders and presses his face hard against her, riding his open mouth with her sex. There's a white-hot flush in his mind, and a breathless laugh on his lips.
That's what a mental orgasm has got to feel like.
When she releases her grip, he sinks to the floor into a seated position, leaning against the wall with his back and quickly wiping his face with the damp towel. Seconds later she sits down next to him, sighing a little.
"Sorry it took me so long. Thanks for hanging on." She eases him into a kiss.
"Everything for you," he replies, taking her into an embrace.
"We should get up," she notes, but none of them has the energy to move right away.
"Got to love the floor heating in this apartment," Pike murmurs after a while.
"It's still too hard," Dael states and at last stands up. He takes her offered hand and they soon end in bed again, where he spoons her.
"Did you like it?" he asks at last, one hand on her chest. He definitely hopes so because his dick already flags just from nudging against her ass crack right now.
"It felt a little strange but I liked it," she answers, voice heavy from approaching sleep. "I loved the way you held me," she adds, almost inaudible, and it makes him tighten his hold.
He would love to claim her completely, always and forever, but he doesn't believe there's anything like "always and forever" in the universe.
*
"I don't want to take anything away from you," is what Dael said. It should be perfect - a partner who doesn't put demands on him, who completely accepts everyone and everything else in his life, be it work, friends or lovers.
Pike can't help but make the same pledge to her, because that's how he wants them to be, equal partners in every regard he can influence. And he's not going to give in to the annoying voice in the back of his brain that claims that nothing exclusive had never worked well for him.
It's the logical setting, considering that they didn't magically turn into straight people over night, and so she's still working in the Silver Barracuda every other weekend, and could still see women. No questions asked.
It's alright by me, really it is, Pike thinks determined when he sits at the bar of his own club on her weekend out.
"If you don't stop moping, I'll photograph you and send her the picture." Farnham threatens him as he sits down next to him. "You've become such a sap. Why don't you talk your arrangement over with her?"
"I don't want to seize all her time," Pike says. "She needs to talk to people outside of the Academy and Starfleet." He waves the barkeep for something to drink, and the man instantly pushes a soda his way. Pike sips at it with a sigh; no more alcohol for him, thanks, meds, which is damn hard in the long run.
"I mean your sex arrangement." Farnham places a hand on his shoulder. "I could inform her that when she thinks you're fucking around in your boys' night out, all you do is wait until she shows up on Sunday evening."
"You won't tell her a word," Pike states. "She needs some life of her own."
"You want her to have that."
"Yes. Because I think it's the right thing. She spends enough time with me as it is."
Farnham looks at the entry of the club, then waves to a new arrival. A minute later, Eric stands next to them. "Meet self-sacrificing Chris, the guy I never wanted to get to know," Farnham says with a wave of his hand.
"Knock it off, John," Eric says calmly and orders a drink. What had started as one of Farnham's one-night-stands has developed into a rather regular arrangement between the two, and Pike likes the young man a lot. Eric is thoughtful and capable of self-reflection, and has a very hot body to boot. Pike knows that he's got a standing offer to join the two men for the night but his brain and body are currently rather focused on Dael. And when it's not her, then it's two men out there in space, and between those three, he's definitely busy enough to sort his feelings.
"Fine by me," Farnham snorts. "It's not as if I'm responsible for Chris' mood."
"Why don't you go and enjoy the location? I've heard there's a new sling in room four," Pike says coolly and empties his depressing soda.
Farnham laughs. "I know when I'm dismissed." He slips from the stool. "You're coming, darling?" he asks Eric and walks away without waiting for the answer.
The young man nods. "I apologize for John's behavior," he says quietly to Pike before he follows Farnham into the depths of the club.
It's not your fault, Pike thinks, and decides to stop hanging around in his club on these Friday nights. Better spend them on something sensible, like work.
*
After all the months of being out of his office, there'd been a meter-long backlog of things to read, and Pike is slowly reaching the bottom of the list. It gives him a little room to skim through the Enterprise mission logs of the last months, expecting the usual hare-brained adventures and some close calls because it was true Kirk style to live life like a game.
He doesn't expect this. A diplomatic mission going wrong on a backwater planet called Aranka - half of a medical team getting killed by the natives and the others taken hostage, including the CMO. It took the Enterprise three days to rescue them.
Pike reads the details, even down to the actual log entries of the bridge officers.
Kirk had sent McCoy's team down against the advice of both Spock and McCoy.
McCoy had lost three of his team when they were executed in front of his eyes, and another one during the days of captivity. One of the remaining team had resigned a month later, due to ongoing survivor guilt issues.
It's a worst-case scenario for every captain, and it could only be worse when the two officers concerned were in a relationship. Now that Pike really thinks about it, there had been quite a lack of Jim&Bones recordings over the last months, no funny porn sent his way.
Next chance he gets at being alone at home, Pike initiates a real-time transmission with the doc.
"Anything wrong?" McCoy asks a little concerned, when he gets him into the line – and a little sleepy, must be gamma shift already.
"You tell me," Pike says, which earns him a confused look. "Aranka."
That at least causes an immediate reaction, as McCoy's gaze turns defensive, a frown materializing on his forehead. "What about it?"
"Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't either of you tell me?"
"Because you were dead at the time?" McCoy states sharply. "It happened just before you fell off your horse. You were fighting for your life, and when you woke up, we knew that you'd have a long road to recovery. No need to ship our shit to your door."
"Those two weeks when you were working on a cure for me, that was your post-mission extra shore leave."
"Yeah, and I spent it with your brain patterns on my screen, and I'd do it again," McCoy says rather exasperated. "Chris, it's been months ago. Old story. Everything's fine again between Jim and me."
"Fine again sounds like it hasn't been for a while."
"Maybe not, but it's fine now. So please, don't stir it up again."
"I wish I could've been there for you," Pike says, suddenly feeling exhausted and incredibly sad. "I'm sorry that I keep failing you. You give me so much more than I can ever give to you."
"Oh damn –" McCoy jerks his hands up into the air. "Considering how often you told me you hate self-pity, you've become rather good at it. So forget about it. Please. Do something meaningful. Go fuck your wife or something."
It's like a slap in Pike's face, and it makes his vision blur. "Do you hate me by now?" he whispers, barely able to watch the man on the other side of the cam. "Because it sure sounds like it."
"No," McCoy says brokenly. "No, I don't. I actually mean it. Enjoy every day you have with her, because you never know what's going to happen the next day. Forget about that old story. Really. There's nothing you can fix."
"I realize that. I still wanted to ask if there's anything I can help with. You know, like friends and lovers do," Pike says a little desperately.
"You can't," McCoy states flatly. "Sorry for reacting so badly. I didn't want to hurt you. I hope you have a good night. I love you, Chris. Take care, and give her a kiss from me." The connection closes.
Dael finds him half an hour later, still in front of the console.
"Anything wrong with them?" she asks concerned, as he silently wraps one arm around her waist and leans his head against her stomach.
"Yes, I think there's something wrong, but they won't tell me. The doc won't tell me."
"Is it because of me?" That she even asks like that constricts his throat.
"No, a mission went wrong that seemed to cause a problem between them." It's probably even worse than Pike thought at first, because every other time he'd thrown McCoy out of bed with a transmission, Jim had always shown up sooner or later – but not this time. They might not even share quarters at the moment.
"I'm so sorry," Dael says, combing through his hair.
"I love him so much. I hate it that there's so little I can really do for him."
"I know how you feel. I feel like this every time you're in hospital."
Pike heaves a sigh. "We're a great group of people, aren't we? All so fucked-up... SNAFU could be our life motto."
There's suddenly an incoming call, and it's the Enterprise. With his arm still around Dael, Pike accepts the transmission.
"I heard you called," Kirk says, in sports outfit with a towel around his shoulders, the doc to his right. "And I heard that the two of you had a severe case of communication failure." He glares a little to McCoy's side. "Aranka was a sour point, yes, and I made some wrong decisions and it had repercussions on my relationship with Bones. We didn't tell you because you really had other problems but that doesn't mean we wanted to keep it away from you."
Kirk glances to McCoy again, who hangs his head a little. "You called in a rather bad moment today, because Bones was just asleep from a long shift with eight hours in surgery. We've lost a man today whose wedding ceremony I officiated last week. We've spent most of the evening talking to his widow. So it's not been a good day here, but it's not what you may have thought." Kirk laces his hand into Bones'. "All is good between us, really. And all is good between us and you – both of you." The captain tugs the doc's hand, and McCoy looks at the cam at last.
"Chris – I apologize for what and how I said it. It's been a very tough reminder today that everything we all have is built on sand, fragile and possibly brief. So I really meant it when I said you should enjoy your time with Dael." The doc swallows a little. "Dael, I want to apologize for making things harder than they should be. I know you love Chris, and he loves you, and I wouldn't want to keep you away from each other. I'm glad someone is taking care of him in a way I can't. I want you to know that if you ever need our help, we'll be there for you too."
"Thank you, doctor," Dael replies a little stiffly, after an encouraging squeeze of Pike's hand. "It was never my intention to take anything away from the admiral, and I was growing concerned that my existence would lead to significant problems between you. He loves you, and I always knew that."
"So I trust that we're all fine now, are we?" Kirk asks into the round, his smile suddenly framed by tangible exhaustion. "Because it's really late here and we're more than ready to go to bed. I love you, Chris, kisses to you, Dael. Take care and you'll hear from us soon. Enterprise out."
When the connection closes the second time, Pike sags back in his chair. By god, he wishes he'd be as good in turning his emotions off as he'd been in the past. He so could have lived without these emotional roller coasters. There's a profound headache pulsing just above his eyes, and he uselessly circles his left fingertips over his forehead. When Dael nudges his head to the side, he follows her lead and ends with his temple against her stomach again. With a soft sigh, he slips his right hand under her shirt, caressing her back.
"Let's go to bed," she says.
"It's not that late," he mumbles, relieved when she drags him to bed anyway, spooning him until he drifts into sleep.
The next time they try a four-way-communication, it's still not as easy as between it has been between the three men, but it definitely goes a lot smoother.
*
It's not the eighteen percent loss in Pike's mobility that becomes the most prominent problem, it's the randomly happening brainstem hang-ups that cost him the control over his legs and make him tumble and fall. It makes him feel a lot more disabled than after the Narada, when he went from "does not work" to "does work" within a few weeks.
After the third incident, Pike goes to see Doctor Anumanchi, but the data transmitted by his medical bracelet are inconclusive and he can't spend two weeks or more in hospital under a med scanner just for a good scan. Without another good option, the doctors start tinkering with his medication. It makes him nauseous in the morning and incredibly sleepy in afternoon, but it doesn't solve the problem, so they go back to his previous mix.
The incidents are rare and happen without obvious reason, though slightly more frequent under stress. Their randomness makes him more and more cautious. After one especially humiliating fall in the mess that ends with him distributing the contents of his tray all over the floor under pitying gazes, he stops eating with his colleagues and gets his meals delivered to his office instead. He's reluctant to perform anything strenuous within the sight of students, declining every offer for substituting at the Academy. It won't do to have them seeing him go down on one knee – the controlled way to stop the tumbling, which he prefers compared to the risk of falling uncontrolled and potentially messier. Beneath his uniform pants, he now always wears knee protectors. He even tries a few versions of leg stabilizers but while they may have a certain psychological effect, if his brainstem decides to skip a beat, they don't stop him from falling.
He tries his best not to burden anyone with the problem, and the one time Dael notices that something is wrong, he covers it up by momentary exhaustion. She believes it because he's definitely a lot more tired than usual lately. The doctors want him to reduce his working hours, but that would feel like losing, and he's lost enough to be determined to keep everything else.
He loathes noticing how close he keeps to any available handrails.
*
It's Wednesday evening and they sit comfortable together on the couch, both a PADD in their hands. There's some talk about each one's plans for next week, some aligning of their time together. Tuesday night would be a party in the Silver Barracuda, and Dael is invited. It makes Pike spontaneously decide to attend a reception at the Andorian embassy; he feels uneasy about possible falls, but they've got a lot of chairs and he always makes sure to have one hand free.
"You still seeing Roxanne?" he asks in a side remark, trying to sound casual and failing.
Dael gives him a glance. "Once in a while," she replies.
A solid two minutes later, she looks up again. "I don't sleep with her, if that's what you actually wanted to know."
"It's okay," Pike says. It's none of his business.
"You want a list?" she asks neutrally, and he can't read her expression. What his own mind makes of it, though, is her wondering whether he wants to redefine the terms of their relationship - a non-subject for him.
"It would be quite short," she adds, and when she gets up to fetch something from the kitchen, she places a kiss on his forehead.
He doesn't ask again.
*
"I'll celebrate my birthday on Sunday," Nat says when she gives him a call in his office on Friday morning. "We'll have a barbecue at Tom's farm." Marriage seems to become her. She looks happy and relaxed, her hair curling over her shoulders in a shining mahogany, a nice contrast to her white blouse.
"Sounds good." Pike pauses for a second. "Would you like me to come?" Their friendship has become a little strained since Dael; it's unfortunate but he can't really change it.
"That why I call," she says. "I wanted to invite you - and before you ask, Dael is invited too. So please, bring her along if you want to."
"You want me to bring her to a family meeting?" Pike is surprised.
"She's living with you, Chris. You see her as your partner – yeah, I know, I won't use the word girlfriend though I can't guarantee for anyone else on the party. So of course she's invited."
"I'll pass the invitation along, but I can't promise she'll come. It's her choice."
"I understand. Tom's dying of curiosity, though. If she doesn't show up, he'll probably visit you in the city."
"We'll see." Pike nods. "Thanks for the invitation, Nat. I'll definitely be there for the party."
"We start at midday, like every year." She smiles and signs off.
They're both on the farm on Sunday, Pike and Dael, gifts and a good wine in their luggage. Despite all the expected little moments of tension, Pike counts the party as a successful introduction of Dael into his circle of chosen family. In her opening speech, Nat briefly addresses Dael as his partner and makes it clear that she is welcome, so there are astonishingly few stares at her tattoos. Everyone is polite and Dael relaxes markedly over the course of the afternoon.
Farnham had cancelled in advance, and Pike is relieved about it.
When they leave in the night, Tom heartily kisses Dael left and right before she manages to get into the car.
"Hands off, Tom, she's all mine," Pike says amused, then climbs in too after a hug.
"I know," Tom says and leans over the open driver window with a twinkle. "I just wanted to hear you say it."
Dael falls asleep on the way back, curled in her seat with one hand on his knee and the ghost of a smile on her face. Careful not to wake her, Pike angles one of the fresh apples from the backseat and bites into it, feeling thoroughly pleased with his life.
*
It's the day of Dael's last test for the advanced navigation class. It had been a strenuous three weeks of preparation, with her nervously studying day and night. Pike had offered his support at one point, but had to admit defeat over some of the questions. Damn, the material seems to get more complex every year. He's retrospectively glad that a captain mostly needs to give orders to more specialized crewmembers. The last shuttle he'd steered himself - no, not going there.
So now Pike stands near the building's main entry on this sunny afternoon, waiting for Dael to come out of the test, and he's not the only one. There's a young woman in cadet uniform, and she eyes him with a certain curiosity in her gaze. She's about twenty, shorter than Dael, with long brown hair and a sportive body shape. He walks over to her.
"You're a friend of Dael?" he says, not really asking.
"Yes, sir. Caitleen Barnes, first semester, engineering track. You are her admiral, I assume. Nice meeting you, sir." She salutes, then takes his offered hand. "I was rather surprised when she told me about you…" she starts and then suddenly flounders as if not knowing how to end the sentence.
"I can assure you, most of my friends were just as surprised when I told them about Dael."
The cadet nods, smiling lightly. "I can see that. It's an unusual relationship. Not something everyone will readily accept."
"But you are more open?" Pike can't help asking.
"Well, she made it clear from day one that your person isn't open for discussion," the girl replies. "I could either live with that or not." She gives him a glance. "Took me a little to make up my mind, but now it's fine by me. Sir."
From the corner of his eyes, Pike can see Dael step out of the door and turns to greet her. Dael halts her steps as she recognizes them both, then slowly walks down.
"Dael –" Pike makes that tiny step forward that claims her focus. "How's the test been?"
"Fine." She takes his offered hand and wants to kiss his cheek, but he kisses her fully on the mouth, self-imposed rules be damned. Then he releases her so that she can turn to Caitleen, and he watches them hug and smile.
"I've got to go back to work. See you tonight," he says to Dael, and kisses her once more before he turns and walks away. It's a lie, he had wanted to spend the afternoon with her, but he's not going to make her choose between them. He can graciously grant them some hours as long he knows she'll be home tonight, and he's sure of that. He is. And he's not in the least resentful that she's actually using her freedom while he doesn't manage that right now.
When she comes home just before midnight, relief rolls over him like wave. He fucks her into the mattress missionary style, aware of his need to claim her. There's a light smell of shower gel on her, sweet and female, and he's doing his damndest to lick it away. He wants her, he wants her too fucking much, and it's making his heart hurt.
I want her not to need me.
Nobody said a word that he shouldn't need her like the very air.
She falls apart under his fingers, and he comes shortly after, reveling in the way his sperm is filling her up before he gets disgusted with himself for the biological program that seems to be running in the back of his head at times, these caveman instincts. While he might be jealous of the time she spends with a woman, it makes him breathless to think that another man would ever have her.
He knows he's in for a tough time when Jim's here.
*
Onto part 3
Rating: NC-17; warning: much queerness, including hetero sex ;)
They go and buy a strap-on for Dael. Actually, she owns one but it's such a low quality that Pike decides that it won't go anywhere near his ass.
So they show up in the shop that was recommended to Dael in the Silver Barracuda. It's Saturday morning, the shop is full of people - and he's the only man, making everyone's head turn. He's almost expecting to get thrown out but it doesn't say women-only at the door, so he takes his chance, trying to be as invisible as possible. Which is not really easy when your lesbian lover and the salesgirl animatedly exchange details about dick sizes in front of a large collection of dildos. Dael ends with two picks and they get shown to a changing box, Pike trailing behind her. Once they're inside, Dael strips down to shirt and knee-high boots without ado and puts on the first.
It just kills him. It looks natural, fits perfectly between her legs, and when he reads the cover information, it says something about neural wiring and full sensitivity. She looks at the mirror and takes the erect member in her hand, testing its weight and feel, and he can see she's satisfied with the result. He inhales sharply as her right hand forms a fist and she tilts her pelvis in a fake thrust. Then she suddenly turns around and looks at him with a curved smile and a little dare. She takes a step back against the wall and spreads her legs a little to make room.
Dael never fails to arouse him, but Dael with a dick simply blows a fuse in his brain. He doesn't care that when he goes down on his knees, one of his shoes gets entangled in the curtain of the box and draws it open a bit, partly presenting his actions to the outside shoppers. He briefly runs his hands over her inner legs, which makes her gasp a little, then licks his lips and bends forward. The dick's head has just the right texture and an agreeable smell, and without further thinking he opens his mouth wide and deep-throats the comfortable length of the fake penis.
"Slower," Dael mutters above him, burying her hands in his hair and pulling him a little back. Seems the full sensitivity isn't just a tag line, and Pike determinedly goes up and down the full length with tight lips, at times letting the dick slip out of his mouth to give the glans some extra stimulation. Damn, he's going to come right here just from the sounds Dael makes above him as she's slowly coming undone. He moves one hand to her clit but it's all covered by the strap-on. Before he can explore further, she slaps his hand away.
"Just your mouth," Dael orders, and damn if that doesn't go straight to his dick, again. He makes a mental note to speak about dirty talking with her because he's got the feeling that he'd take things from her he'd never take from anyone else, and then puts all his concentration in giving her the best head he can give. With every thrust forward, he takes in the full shaft, the glans hitting the bottom of his mouth and some. Soon he can feel her coming closer to release as her hands tighten in his hair, adjusting his head until she's all but fucking his face, over and over until she comes with a small cry. Pike is barely able to breathe while she rides out her orgasm with the dick deep in his throat, but at least there's no sperm – not that he'd mind a version that ejaculates. At last she releases her hold and he withdraws, sagging back on his heels and catching his breath.
"That was fantastic," Dael manages to say before she sinks down on her pile of clothes on the tiny chair. "Should we still try the other one?"
Pike experimentally moves his jaw. "Not sure I'll make it that long," he says amused.
She laces her fingers into his hair, petting him. "You're incredible. Thank you."
"Thank you," Pike says and captures her fingertips for a kiss before he gets up with a small groan.
"Sorry if I've been a little overexcited." Dael runs her hands down his hips.
"Darling, it's become one of my major goals in life to excite you," Pike states. "Not that it doesn't work on me either, so if we don't want to spill come around here for which they'd probably hate me, let's buy it and get out."
She quickly dresses. When they walk out of the box and towards the cashier desk, there are still many gazes but now they've changed in quality; there's less suspicion and a lot more appreciation. The woman at the counter smiles at them as Pike pays. "Thanks for your purchase. You're welcome back any time." Then she adds in a lower voice, "If you ever think about giving deep-throat workshops, sir, you'd be booked out."
"Is that so?" Pike says, torn between flattered and insulted by the transgressive remark.
"Yes, and it's a compliment." The woman gives the shopping bag over the counter. "Sometimes, couples with your constellation show up here. It's usually the sugar daddy style, guys spending money on their young girlfriends while the wife waits at home. But you're of a different brand, and I like that. Enjoy your purchase."
"We intended that with or without your applause," Pike says a little sourly.
When they're outside, Dael laces her arm into his. "She just wanted to pay you a compliment."
"I get her intention," Pike states. "I just didn't like her style." At least the exchange had the positive effect of reducing his hard-on to a level he could hide, so they could go back to further shopping without being too obvious.
"Sugar daddy, what the fuck," he mutters under his breath.
"You do pay the bills," Dael says reasonably, which earns her a glare.
"Anything else would be pointless," he says sharply. "But I'm paying things for us, I'm not paying for your service, sexual or otherwise." He's glad when she quickly switches to the question of food for the weekend.
*
There are days on which she'd prefer not to leave the apartment, when he can feel that it takes serious effort for her to make the actual step out of the door. There are even the odd days when she completely hides from the world. She tries to keep that away from him by calling in time and telling him she wouldn't make it home – she calls his apartment home, and he loves it – and would stay in her dorm room. When he realizes that there seems to be more behind it than just ordinary tiredness, he's unsure if and how he should approach the topic.
That strange therapeutic thing between us. His own words come back to him as he finds himself in front of her door one Wednesday evening, walking back and forth, wondering about knocking and what he would do if she didn't open. Wondering if he should use his emergency override, knowing that it would be wrong to do so.
He stops as a woman walks down the corridor towards his position. She's maybe thirty, with shoulder-long dark hair and a rather female figure, and judging of her clothes, she had to be one of Academy's civilian personnel. She glances up and down his uniform, then nods.
"You're Christopher," she states.
"I am," he says. "And you happen to be…?"
"Roxanne." She glances at the door. "Did you try to knock?"
"Not yet."
She glances back at him. "Maybe it's better to wait a little. Care to have a drink with me?"
Pike actually doesn't want to, but considers it a good tactical move to get to know the woman who's been so outspoken against him. After all, she is still one of Dael's few friends. "Sure."
They end in the small cafeteria that never closes, back in some hidden corner. His hands cradle a tea because the coffee here isn't even worth its name, and she has a hot chocolate.
"I was against your relationship," she starts right away, and looks up from her cup. Her eyes are dark-green and she has a certain air of authority around her which he would find rather positive if she were one of his crew, but he's less enchanted by having to face criticism from someone he'd never met in person before.
It makes him answer a short-clipped, "Not that it changed much."
"No."
Pike tilts his head. "Is it so hard to accept that she wants to be with me? It seems that we have a common goal – looking after her. She can use all the friends she has. I certainly don't want to separate her from her peers."
"You really mean that?" She frowns at him.
"I have no clue where you got the impression from that I would want to isolate her. She's still working in the club every other Friday night, and I try not to claim all her time." Pike shakes his head. "I don't mind you being critical in advance, because the hard facts make the relationship look wrong, but I expect better from someone who claims to have Dael's best interest in mind. I've faced some well-meaning warnings over the last weeks, but nobody had any actual complaints. Dael wants to be with me, and I try my utmost to make this unusual relationship successful."
Roxanne lifts her chin. "Just because it looks good doesn't make it healthy. A blind man could see that your relationship isn't between equals. You're in a position of power, financially settled, even got another relationship running. She'll always be in the weaker position."
"Compared to what?" he asks, feeling a strange impulse to laugh in her face. "If I do anything wrong, the world will launch its wrath against me. Nogura would, my partners would - everyone. My health is a fragile thing, my position of power is exactly worth nothing next time my brain misses a few too many beats."
She snorts. "If you were a really decent man, you wouldn't have given in to her in the first place."
It makes him lower his head and smile. "Yes," he says. "Guess I'm not decent enough to say no to someone who makes every day more bearable just by being with me." His smile broadening, he looks up at her. "That's definitely something you could accuse me of. I'm not saint enough to make myself and her unhappy by stopping a development between two consenting adults because certain people do not approve." His smile vanishes, substituted by the mask he's cultivated in decades of command.
"You may keep your opinion about me. I don't care as long as I don't find you actively trying to work against me. If you do this, you will find me a resilient adversary."
"I've got no doubt about that – sir," she states icily.
"I'll see after Dael now," Pike says and gets up. All right, he had said he wouldn't separate Dael from her peers but damn if he feels like exchanging another word with a woman who's all settled in her judgment of his person. "Good night."
There might have been a muttered "ass" traveling behind him, but he doesn't turn around.
Dael opens at his first knock, fully dressed. "I just decided I'd come home." She hesitates for a moment, a flicker of insecurity crossing her features. "If you want me to."
He moves into the room, unwilling to say anything in the open corridor.
"You lovely, wonderful idiot," he says, lacing his fingers into her hair. "I take you any time, in any mood. I might kick your ass if you try to hide for too long, but I certainly can live with you having bad days." He presses a kiss on her forehead. "I'd rather have you at home than hide out here."
The smallest extra bedroom becomes her room, and he's not surprised when she installs a holo projector that throws cornfields in the wind onto the wall. Her books wander into her room, aside from the stray exemplar she's currently reading and the few that somehow meandered onto his own nightstand. Her clothes and other personal things stay in the main bedroom, though, including both dioramas, and that makes Pike glad.
Sometimes she invites him over to hide with her. Then they just hold each other in silence and watch the stars together.
*
Pike has read Dael's full file before handing her case over the next academic advisor. Considering how much he knew about her at that point, it had been anticlimactic, telling him nothing new.
That should've clued him in that there are things he still isn't privy too. It would've made the surprise visitor in front of his office one Monday night less of a surprise.
"Admiral Pike?" the black-skinned, grey-haired man asks sharply when Pike opens the office door. There's something about the man that makes Pike wonder if he's going to attack him, though he wouldn't know why.
But then the man snaps, "I'm Doctor Aristele M'Benga," and pushes his hand forward for a handshake.
"Doctor M'Benga. The man behind the IDIC Foundation. Please, come in." The tension diminishes as the man passes Pike and sinks down in the chair in front of his desk.
"I am. Nice to know you know my name."
"I've done a little research about the IDICF. You founded it after the loss of Vulcan –"
"Because my son died on Vulcan. Just had gone there for his medical internship." The man accepts an offered drink, before Pike sits down on the other side, "It's been six years, but sometimes I still wake up and think he just called me." The doctor looks at Pike, gaze suddenly sharpening again.
"I did some research on you too, admiral. You've had a long, illustrious career before delivering yourself into Nero's hands. Kept your life, but lost your ship and your health over it." The man waves with his drink. "I also know that you own a dubious club and have questionable sexual preferences. You are in an ongoing relationship with Jim Kirk and Leonard McCoy of the Enterprise and are said to be spending your time with a close friend much too often. You see, I've done my research."
Pike circles his own drink in his hands, feeling his jaw tensing. "I gather you are here on behalf of Dael?"
"Yes," M'Benga agrees.
"What do you want?"
"I wanted to get to know the man the Vulcans thought worthy of being her t'sav'asha."
"Her what?"
"Mentor-lover. Vulcans love these kinds of combinations. I think they invent one whenever they need it." M'Benga points at Pike with one finger. "When I first heard about the development, I was speechless. Angry! By human standards – by my standards - you violated every damn ethic when it came to Dael, and the age difference is much too high. But in Vulcan thinking, it was more than logical that the two of you would get together, and they overruled me."
"Overruled you?" This discussion becomes increasingly surreal. "You mean this relationship is the result of some intervention from Vulcan sources?"
"Partly. We asked Nogura who might be the right mentor for Dael, and when he brought you up, the Vulcans seemed rather intrigued by the idea. When you went to the rehab institution and she joined you there, they made it clear that the obviously developing relationship between the two of you would be logical by Vulcan standards. So they kept me from interfering."
"And they made Nogura accept it?" Pike asks incredulously.
"Yes. God knows he wasn't in favor of it. Thought it would ruin your career." M'Benga sighs. "But what shall I say, I've seen Dael today and she looks happy. Didn't know the girl could smile, but once I brought up your name, she did. So it seems the Vulcans did something right for her, as little as the stay on New Vulcan did her much good otherwise. They tried but both kids were extremely hard to reach, and mind melds only work that far…"
Mind-melds again. Pike becomes decidedly wary about the mental abilities of Vulcans, wondering what else they had never really divulged to the Federation. "I guess they would've needed a little more human affection instead."
"Maybe. Well, looks as if you take care of her. But let me tell you, admiral – if you break her heart, you'll have to answer to me and everyone else who's ever felt responsible for her."
"I'll try to make sure that doesn't happen," Pike says flatly. "But in relationships, there are no guarantees."
"Then you better guarantee she's better off with you than without you," M'Benga states sharply.
Pike tilts his head. "Tell me, who are the Vulcans you keep speaking of?"
"Several you wouldn't know. One you might know – Ambassador Selek."
That scheming, sneaky old Vulcan.
"God knows what they see in you. It's not as if you helped them a lot," M'Benga says darkly, and it allows Pike a look beyond the harsh shell of the man, into the depths where a father is still mourning his only son who died on Vulcan.
"No, I didn't," Pike agrees, putting the drink aside. "The Enterprise came too late. Our attempts to stop Nero's plan came too late. Delivering myself into his hand gave Kirk and Spock the time to save Earth, but Vulcan…" Nero had made him watch, strapped to the table, how the planet disappeared. The images are just as burned into his memory as the feeling of helplessness and shocked despair. A brief wave of nausea hits as the moments after unfold, the useless debate with the mad man that ended with the slug in his throat. With effort Pike brings himself out of the memory and focuses on his visitor again. On the eye contact, the man deflates with a sudden sigh.
"I apologize for my words, admiral. I know that you're still suffering from the aftereffects -"
"Not more than anyone else who's lost someone or something during those days," Pike states tonelessly.
M'Benga nods, slowly. "We've all lost the things dearest to us. Maybe it's really logical that we should not suffer alone." He gets up and takes a tight hold of Pike's hand when they stand at the door.
"I started the IDIC Foundation because I wanted to give all those lost children a chance for the future, now that my own son doesn't have one anymore. Promise me you'll do your best that Dael gets her chance."
"I will, Doctor M'Benga," Pike says, and it feels like an oath.
He's not surprised when the next invitation to a ceremony in the Vulcan embassy is addressed to "Admiral Pike and t'sai Dael". It becomes the only place where she appears in an official function at his side, dressed in a surprisingly female, dark-green traditional robe she had kept from her stay on New Vulcan.
Spock still doesn't reply to his message.
*
Her ass belongs to him. It's a thought that starts to grow over the weeks he tests the waters for anal sex. Pike had rarely given it a conscious thought before but he's definitely an ass man, and he's one with her too, although her ass is the tiniest he ever got his hands on.
Now that she's all spread out for him, lying on her stomach over the new large pillow which he'd actually bought for supporting himself in the same act, the thought gets so intense that it takes his breath away. He took his time over the evening, massaging her with oil all over, bringing her close to orgasm with his fingers more than once, then at last asking her to turn around. He knows from his tentative exploration that she's curious but self-conscious about it like most people, and he's determined to make it a good experience for her.
She sighs softly as he places his hands on her ass cheeks - she's so slim that there's barely any flesh to pull apart, and he can just bend low and give the rosy muscle a first lick. There's some oil but he ignores it as he tongues it, easing her slight tension away. When he thinks she's ready, he sits up and pours some more oil onto his hands. Rubbing his thumbs over the hole, he gives her a moment to adjust to the idea before he slowly presses his left thumb in. She's tight and warm and utters the hottest small sigh.
Fuck, this does incredible things to Pike. It feels more of an act of violation than it ever felt to him with men before, breaching the virginal ass of this boygirl and he's not sure what it says about him that this first intrusion only makes him want to breach her so much more. He hadn't thought about fucking her like this but now it's almost the only thought left in his mind.
Reigning in his arousal with force, he slowly, carefully fucks her open with his fingers, shifting his weight so he can add a little pressure to his movement forward. She's breathing heavily, a gentle moan escaping her lips once in a while. One, two, three fingers, his arm shakes a little from the concentration, and he's so fucking damn ready and so is she.
He quickly cleanses his hands, having read various articles on how vaginal and anal bacteria really don't mix well, and then puts lube on his erection.
Slowly he shifts his hip to press in, his hands on her hip, keeping her in position with more than the necessary strength. A crazy current of desire runs through him as he glides in to the hilt, taking her in possession.
Your ass belongs to me, he thinks, and maybe he says it too because there's an answering Yes hanging in the air. He eases his hands away from her hips for a moment, stroking her back, following the patterns from top to bottom.
"Love you," he whispers. She doesn't say a word, but he can see a smile on her half-hidden face. Reaching around with one hand, he dips his forefinger into her pussy. She's wet, slick from oil and arousal and he's not surprised when she coils to meet his touch, her breathing quickening.
He starts fucking her, and it's like hot lava in his blood stream when he hears her vulnerable sounds, those little desperate sighs. Much too quickly he comes hard, doubling over with a groan as he rides out his orgasm, hands tightly around her waist. It seems to be twice as explosive once he thinks about that he's the first and this is his and nobody else would get his dick in here as long as he's got any say in it.
Not even Jim.
When his own waves ebb, he leans over her and puts his fingers to good use, rotating them around and over her clit, fast and increasingly harder. His other hand is splayed out on her back, and he uses his weight to keep her from escaping his administrations. He's not as gentle as usual, the need to take her into possession still pushing him forward. She's almost sobbing as she arches at last, her legs pressing into the cushions and against his knees. He keeps going until she begs him to stop. Only then he cups her sex, warm and protective, allowing her to calm down. For a while, they just rest like this, his lips dipping kisses all over her shoulders and neck, his caresses increasingly soft and gentle. His deflated erection slipped out sometime in between, and when he moves at last, he pulls her up with him, so that she kneels in front of him, her back to him. He strokes her chest and tiny breasts, whispering I love you and thank you and thinking that he's got it really, really bad. He's incredibly happy and also exhausted and he absolutely can't keep his hands from her, not even when she finally slips out of his grasp with a parting kiss, claiming a need for the bathroom.
He joins her, irritating her a little by it, but she doesn't complain when he gets them into the shower and cleans her all around, pampering her. When they're done, he steps out first and offers her a warmed-up towel. He rubs her dry, placing kisses onto her chest tattoos as he towels lower down. She's leaning forward, placing one hand on his shoulder as she spreads her legs. Encouraged he sinks to his knees, slowly running the towel through her labia. He wouldn't be able to get anything up to save his life but that doesn't mean he can't get turned on from the way she wants more, from him. There's only a faint smell of the shower gel and he pulls her a little open and angles his head to lick her still aroused clit.
Her hands lace into his hair and urge him forward, taking control of his movements. His knees and jaw soon start aching but there's also a sweet feeling of surrender as he gives in to her demands. Partly because it's only fair, partly because in his love for her, there's an almost unlimited amount of desire to please her. She's a gift, something that came across in the moment he needed it the most, and he wants to be worth her time – her youth.
She arches as he slips two fingers into her, adding pressure to her G-point while his lips suck her blooming nub. Her movements get erratic, and just when he thinks he's got to give up due to exhaustion, she shudders and presses his face hard against her, riding his open mouth with her sex. There's a white-hot flush in his mind, and a breathless laugh on his lips.
That's what a mental orgasm has got to feel like.
When she releases her grip, he sinks to the floor into a seated position, leaning against the wall with his back and quickly wiping his face with the damp towel. Seconds later she sits down next to him, sighing a little.
"Sorry it took me so long. Thanks for hanging on." She eases him into a kiss.
"Everything for you," he replies, taking her into an embrace.
"We should get up," she notes, but none of them has the energy to move right away.
"Got to love the floor heating in this apartment," Pike murmurs after a while.
"It's still too hard," Dael states and at last stands up. He takes her offered hand and they soon end in bed again, where he spoons her.
"Did you like it?" he asks at last, one hand on her chest. He definitely hopes so because his dick already flags just from nudging against her ass crack right now.
"It felt a little strange but I liked it," she answers, voice heavy from approaching sleep. "I loved the way you held me," she adds, almost inaudible, and it makes him tighten his hold.
He would love to claim her completely, always and forever, but he doesn't believe there's anything like "always and forever" in the universe.
*
"I don't want to take anything away from you," is what Dael said. It should be perfect - a partner who doesn't put demands on him, who completely accepts everyone and everything else in his life, be it work, friends or lovers.
Pike can't help but make the same pledge to her, because that's how he wants them to be, equal partners in every regard he can influence. And he's not going to give in to the annoying voice in the back of his brain that claims that nothing exclusive had never worked well for him.
It's the logical setting, considering that they didn't magically turn into straight people over night, and so she's still working in the Silver Barracuda every other weekend, and could still see women. No questions asked.
It's alright by me, really it is, Pike thinks determined when he sits at the bar of his own club on her weekend out.
"If you don't stop moping, I'll photograph you and send her the picture." Farnham threatens him as he sits down next to him. "You've become such a sap. Why don't you talk your arrangement over with her?"
"I don't want to seize all her time," Pike says. "She needs to talk to people outside of the Academy and Starfleet." He waves the barkeep for something to drink, and the man instantly pushes a soda his way. Pike sips at it with a sigh; no more alcohol for him, thanks, meds, which is damn hard in the long run.
"I mean your sex arrangement." Farnham places a hand on his shoulder. "I could inform her that when she thinks you're fucking around in your boys' night out, all you do is wait until she shows up on Sunday evening."
"You won't tell her a word," Pike states. "She needs some life of her own."
"You want her to have that."
"Yes. Because I think it's the right thing. She spends enough time with me as it is."
Farnham looks at the entry of the club, then waves to a new arrival. A minute later, Eric stands next to them. "Meet self-sacrificing Chris, the guy I never wanted to get to know," Farnham says with a wave of his hand.
"Knock it off, John," Eric says calmly and orders a drink. What had started as one of Farnham's one-night-stands has developed into a rather regular arrangement between the two, and Pike likes the young man a lot. Eric is thoughtful and capable of self-reflection, and has a very hot body to boot. Pike knows that he's got a standing offer to join the two men for the night but his brain and body are currently rather focused on Dael. And when it's not her, then it's two men out there in space, and between those three, he's definitely busy enough to sort his feelings.
"Fine by me," Farnham snorts. "It's not as if I'm responsible for Chris' mood."
"Why don't you go and enjoy the location? I've heard there's a new sling in room four," Pike says coolly and empties his depressing soda.
Farnham laughs. "I know when I'm dismissed." He slips from the stool. "You're coming, darling?" he asks Eric and walks away without waiting for the answer.
The young man nods. "I apologize for John's behavior," he says quietly to Pike before he follows Farnham into the depths of the club.
It's not your fault, Pike thinks, and decides to stop hanging around in his club on these Friday nights. Better spend them on something sensible, like work.
*
After all the months of being out of his office, there'd been a meter-long backlog of things to read, and Pike is slowly reaching the bottom of the list. It gives him a little room to skim through the Enterprise mission logs of the last months, expecting the usual hare-brained adventures and some close calls because it was true Kirk style to live life like a game.
He doesn't expect this. A diplomatic mission going wrong on a backwater planet called Aranka - half of a medical team getting killed by the natives and the others taken hostage, including the CMO. It took the Enterprise three days to rescue them.
Pike reads the details, even down to the actual log entries of the bridge officers.
Kirk had sent McCoy's team down against the advice of both Spock and McCoy.
McCoy had lost three of his team when they were executed in front of his eyes, and another one during the days of captivity. One of the remaining team had resigned a month later, due to ongoing survivor guilt issues.
It's a worst-case scenario for every captain, and it could only be worse when the two officers concerned were in a relationship. Now that Pike really thinks about it, there had been quite a lack of Jim&Bones recordings over the last months, no funny porn sent his way.
Next chance he gets at being alone at home, Pike initiates a real-time transmission with the doc.
"Anything wrong?" McCoy asks a little concerned, when he gets him into the line – and a little sleepy, must be gamma shift already.
"You tell me," Pike says, which earns him a confused look. "Aranka."
That at least causes an immediate reaction, as McCoy's gaze turns defensive, a frown materializing on his forehead. "What about it?"
"Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't either of you tell me?"
"Because you were dead at the time?" McCoy states sharply. "It happened just before you fell off your horse. You were fighting for your life, and when you woke up, we knew that you'd have a long road to recovery. No need to ship our shit to your door."
"Those two weeks when you were working on a cure for me, that was your post-mission extra shore leave."
"Yeah, and I spent it with your brain patterns on my screen, and I'd do it again," McCoy says rather exasperated. "Chris, it's been months ago. Old story. Everything's fine again between Jim and me."
"Fine again sounds like it hasn't been for a while."
"Maybe not, but it's fine now. So please, don't stir it up again."
"I wish I could've been there for you," Pike says, suddenly feeling exhausted and incredibly sad. "I'm sorry that I keep failing you. You give me so much more than I can ever give to you."
"Oh damn –" McCoy jerks his hands up into the air. "Considering how often you told me you hate self-pity, you've become rather good at it. So forget about it. Please. Do something meaningful. Go fuck your wife or something."
It's like a slap in Pike's face, and it makes his vision blur. "Do you hate me by now?" he whispers, barely able to watch the man on the other side of the cam. "Because it sure sounds like it."
"No," McCoy says brokenly. "No, I don't. I actually mean it. Enjoy every day you have with her, because you never know what's going to happen the next day. Forget about that old story. Really. There's nothing you can fix."
"I realize that. I still wanted to ask if there's anything I can help with. You know, like friends and lovers do," Pike says a little desperately.
"You can't," McCoy states flatly. "Sorry for reacting so badly. I didn't want to hurt you. I hope you have a good night. I love you, Chris. Take care, and give her a kiss from me." The connection closes.
Dael finds him half an hour later, still in front of the console.
"Anything wrong with them?" she asks concerned, as he silently wraps one arm around her waist and leans his head against her stomach.
"Yes, I think there's something wrong, but they won't tell me. The doc won't tell me."
"Is it because of me?" That she even asks like that constricts his throat.
"No, a mission went wrong that seemed to cause a problem between them." It's probably even worse than Pike thought at first, because every other time he'd thrown McCoy out of bed with a transmission, Jim had always shown up sooner or later – but not this time. They might not even share quarters at the moment.
"I'm so sorry," Dael says, combing through his hair.
"I love him so much. I hate it that there's so little I can really do for him."
"I know how you feel. I feel like this every time you're in hospital."
Pike heaves a sigh. "We're a great group of people, aren't we? All so fucked-up... SNAFU could be our life motto."
There's suddenly an incoming call, and it's the Enterprise. With his arm still around Dael, Pike accepts the transmission.
"I heard you called," Kirk says, in sports outfit with a towel around his shoulders, the doc to his right. "And I heard that the two of you had a severe case of communication failure." He glares a little to McCoy's side. "Aranka was a sour point, yes, and I made some wrong decisions and it had repercussions on my relationship with Bones. We didn't tell you because you really had other problems but that doesn't mean we wanted to keep it away from you."
Kirk glances to McCoy again, who hangs his head a little. "You called in a rather bad moment today, because Bones was just asleep from a long shift with eight hours in surgery. We've lost a man today whose wedding ceremony I officiated last week. We've spent most of the evening talking to his widow. So it's not been a good day here, but it's not what you may have thought." Kirk laces his hand into Bones'. "All is good between us, really. And all is good between us and you – both of you." The captain tugs the doc's hand, and McCoy looks at the cam at last.
"Chris – I apologize for what and how I said it. It's been a very tough reminder today that everything we all have is built on sand, fragile and possibly brief. So I really meant it when I said you should enjoy your time with Dael." The doc swallows a little. "Dael, I want to apologize for making things harder than they should be. I know you love Chris, and he loves you, and I wouldn't want to keep you away from each other. I'm glad someone is taking care of him in a way I can't. I want you to know that if you ever need our help, we'll be there for you too."
"Thank you, doctor," Dael replies a little stiffly, after an encouraging squeeze of Pike's hand. "It was never my intention to take anything away from the admiral, and I was growing concerned that my existence would lead to significant problems between you. He loves you, and I always knew that."
"So I trust that we're all fine now, are we?" Kirk asks into the round, his smile suddenly framed by tangible exhaustion. "Because it's really late here and we're more than ready to go to bed. I love you, Chris, kisses to you, Dael. Take care and you'll hear from us soon. Enterprise out."
When the connection closes the second time, Pike sags back in his chair. By god, he wishes he'd be as good in turning his emotions off as he'd been in the past. He so could have lived without these emotional roller coasters. There's a profound headache pulsing just above his eyes, and he uselessly circles his left fingertips over his forehead. When Dael nudges his head to the side, he follows her lead and ends with his temple against her stomach again. With a soft sigh, he slips his right hand under her shirt, caressing her back.
"Let's go to bed," she says.
"It's not that late," he mumbles, relieved when she drags him to bed anyway, spooning him until he drifts into sleep.
The next time they try a four-way-communication, it's still not as easy as between it has been between the three men, but it definitely goes a lot smoother.
*
It's not the eighteen percent loss in Pike's mobility that becomes the most prominent problem, it's the randomly happening brainstem hang-ups that cost him the control over his legs and make him tumble and fall. It makes him feel a lot more disabled than after the Narada, when he went from "does not work" to "does work" within a few weeks.
After the third incident, Pike goes to see Doctor Anumanchi, but the data transmitted by his medical bracelet are inconclusive and he can't spend two weeks or more in hospital under a med scanner just for a good scan. Without another good option, the doctors start tinkering with his medication. It makes him nauseous in the morning and incredibly sleepy in afternoon, but it doesn't solve the problem, so they go back to his previous mix.
The incidents are rare and happen without obvious reason, though slightly more frequent under stress. Their randomness makes him more and more cautious. After one especially humiliating fall in the mess that ends with him distributing the contents of his tray all over the floor under pitying gazes, he stops eating with his colleagues and gets his meals delivered to his office instead. He's reluctant to perform anything strenuous within the sight of students, declining every offer for substituting at the Academy. It won't do to have them seeing him go down on one knee – the controlled way to stop the tumbling, which he prefers compared to the risk of falling uncontrolled and potentially messier. Beneath his uniform pants, he now always wears knee protectors. He even tries a few versions of leg stabilizers but while they may have a certain psychological effect, if his brainstem decides to skip a beat, they don't stop him from falling.
He tries his best not to burden anyone with the problem, and the one time Dael notices that something is wrong, he covers it up by momentary exhaustion. She believes it because he's definitely a lot more tired than usual lately. The doctors want him to reduce his working hours, but that would feel like losing, and he's lost enough to be determined to keep everything else.
He loathes noticing how close he keeps to any available handrails.
*
It's Wednesday evening and they sit comfortable together on the couch, both a PADD in their hands. There's some talk about each one's plans for next week, some aligning of their time together. Tuesday night would be a party in the Silver Barracuda, and Dael is invited. It makes Pike spontaneously decide to attend a reception at the Andorian embassy; he feels uneasy about possible falls, but they've got a lot of chairs and he always makes sure to have one hand free.
"You still seeing Roxanne?" he asks in a side remark, trying to sound casual and failing.
Dael gives him a glance. "Once in a while," she replies.
A solid two minutes later, she looks up again. "I don't sleep with her, if that's what you actually wanted to know."
"It's okay," Pike says. It's none of his business.
"You want a list?" she asks neutrally, and he can't read her expression. What his own mind makes of it, though, is her wondering whether he wants to redefine the terms of their relationship - a non-subject for him.
"It would be quite short," she adds, and when she gets up to fetch something from the kitchen, she places a kiss on his forehead.
He doesn't ask again.
*
"I'll celebrate my birthday on Sunday," Nat says when she gives him a call in his office on Friday morning. "We'll have a barbecue at Tom's farm." Marriage seems to become her. She looks happy and relaxed, her hair curling over her shoulders in a shining mahogany, a nice contrast to her white blouse.
"Sounds good." Pike pauses for a second. "Would you like me to come?" Their friendship has become a little strained since Dael; it's unfortunate but he can't really change it.
"That why I call," she says. "I wanted to invite you - and before you ask, Dael is invited too. So please, bring her along if you want to."
"You want me to bring her to a family meeting?" Pike is surprised.
"She's living with you, Chris. You see her as your partner – yeah, I know, I won't use the word girlfriend though I can't guarantee for anyone else on the party. So of course she's invited."
"I'll pass the invitation along, but I can't promise she'll come. It's her choice."
"I understand. Tom's dying of curiosity, though. If she doesn't show up, he'll probably visit you in the city."
"We'll see." Pike nods. "Thanks for the invitation, Nat. I'll definitely be there for the party."
"We start at midday, like every year." She smiles and signs off.
They're both on the farm on Sunday, Pike and Dael, gifts and a good wine in their luggage. Despite all the expected little moments of tension, Pike counts the party as a successful introduction of Dael into his circle of chosen family. In her opening speech, Nat briefly addresses Dael as his partner and makes it clear that she is welcome, so there are astonishingly few stares at her tattoos. Everyone is polite and Dael relaxes markedly over the course of the afternoon.
Farnham had cancelled in advance, and Pike is relieved about it.
When they leave in the night, Tom heartily kisses Dael left and right before she manages to get into the car.
"Hands off, Tom, she's all mine," Pike says amused, then climbs in too after a hug.
"I know," Tom says and leans over the open driver window with a twinkle. "I just wanted to hear you say it."
Dael falls asleep on the way back, curled in her seat with one hand on his knee and the ghost of a smile on her face. Careful not to wake her, Pike angles one of the fresh apples from the backseat and bites into it, feeling thoroughly pleased with his life.
*
It's the day of Dael's last test for the advanced navigation class. It had been a strenuous three weeks of preparation, with her nervously studying day and night. Pike had offered his support at one point, but had to admit defeat over some of the questions. Damn, the material seems to get more complex every year. He's retrospectively glad that a captain mostly needs to give orders to more specialized crewmembers. The last shuttle he'd steered himself - no, not going there.
So now Pike stands near the building's main entry on this sunny afternoon, waiting for Dael to come out of the test, and he's not the only one. There's a young woman in cadet uniform, and she eyes him with a certain curiosity in her gaze. She's about twenty, shorter than Dael, with long brown hair and a sportive body shape. He walks over to her.
"You're a friend of Dael?" he says, not really asking.
"Yes, sir. Caitleen Barnes, first semester, engineering track. You are her admiral, I assume. Nice meeting you, sir." She salutes, then takes his offered hand. "I was rather surprised when she told me about you…" she starts and then suddenly flounders as if not knowing how to end the sentence.
"I can assure you, most of my friends were just as surprised when I told them about Dael."
The cadet nods, smiling lightly. "I can see that. It's an unusual relationship. Not something everyone will readily accept."
"But you are more open?" Pike can't help asking.
"Well, she made it clear from day one that your person isn't open for discussion," the girl replies. "I could either live with that or not." She gives him a glance. "Took me a little to make up my mind, but now it's fine by me. Sir."
From the corner of his eyes, Pike can see Dael step out of the door and turns to greet her. Dael halts her steps as she recognizes them both, then slowly walks down.
"Dael –" Pike makes that tiny step forward that claims her focus. "How's the test been?"
"Fine." She takes his offered hand and wants to kiss his cheek, but he kisses her fully on the mouth, self-imposed rules be damned. Then he releases her so that she can turn to Caitleen, and he watches them hug and smile.
"I've got to go back to work. See you tonight," he says to Dael, and kisses her once more before he turns and walks away. It's a lie, he had wanted to spend the afternoon with her, but he's not going to make her choose between them. He can graciously grant them some hours as long he knows she'll be home tonight, and he's sure of that. He is. And he's not in the least resentful that she's actually using her freedom while he doesn't manage that right now.
When she comes home just before midnight, relief rolls over him like wave. He fucks her into the mattress missionary style, aware of his need to claim her. There's a light smell of shower gel on her, sweet and female, and he's doing his damndest to lick it away. He wants her, he wants her too fucking much, and it's making his heart hurt.
I want her not to need me.
Nobody said a word that he shouldn't need her like the very air.
She falls apart under his fingers, and he comes shortly after, reveling in the way his sperm is filling her up before he gets disgusted with himself for the biological program that seems to be running in the back of his head at times, these caveman instincts. While he might be jealous of the time she spends with a woman, it makes him breathless to think that another man would ever have her.
He knows he's in for a tough time when Jim's here.
*
Onto part 3
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2010-02-14 05:19 am (UTC)Chris, you idiot, you are no longer 20 and in perfect health. Push too far and it's going to be curtains for good. *glares at him*
The jealousy - very believable. And also Chris's distress that he didn't know what was going on between Jim and Leonard, and that he couldn't and can't do anything to help with that.
(no subject)
Date: 2010-02-14 10:48 am (UTC)Regarding the jealousy and the distress, he definitely thinks he's the sorcerer's apprentice at times, having called emotional demons he wishes he could get rid off again :) I just read a lovely article somewhere about older men falling in love once more, and that one should calculate their effective age with (original age minus age they last fell in love) which would probably mean (54-40 = 14) for Chris, who's never been so entangled with anyone before the Enterprise boys and Dael *giggles* Poor man :)