quick beta help needed.

[syredronning]

Am braindead but the MU story is almost ready for posting...except for this freshly-written snippet.

For his victims, he might be the devil impersonated, but actually he was a medium-size humanoid of a race that lived far away in the Gamma Quadrant, their name of no consequence even to him anymore. He had left his people decades ago, using a stolen wormhole device that their scientists had developed on the expense of their society. It had only served them well, in his opinion, that they wouldn't ever gain anything from it. Stranded penniless and with a broken device in this corner of the galaxy, in which everyone suffered from everyone else, it had been logical to him to use this pain for business. After all, it served the guilty parties well once again. He had a taste for justice on this side of the Great Divide, instead of waiting for some unlikely afterlife. And business was business…



EDIT: DONE - thank you! :)

Comments

[mecurtin.livejournal.com]

To his victims he might be [no comma]

devil incarnate

developed at the expense
[ that implies that the society paid for it with money -- do you mean it destroyed them? in which case use: developed at the cost of their whole world ]

It had only served those fools right, he thought, to spend so much without ever gaining anything from it.

Stranded, penniless, and with a broken device in a brutal corner of the galaxy, it seemed logical to use it to recoup his losses.

[syredronning.livejournal.com]

Thank you :) I'm not sure I understand the last sentence - to which refers your "use _it_"?

[berlynn-wohl.livejournal.com]

Instead of "devil impersonated," you might want to use "devil incarnate"

"developed at the expense" instead of "on the expense"

"It was for the best" instead of "It had only served them well"


Other than that, it looks good. :)

[syredronning.livejournal.com]

Thanks! For the last one, I wanted to be it sarcastic like "suited them well" - first they rob the people of the money, then the device is gone...you understand?

[syredronning.livejournal.com]

Guess I wanted to say "served them right"...hmmm *slightly confused now*